In the bedroom, less may be more
Research shows how the pandemic has put a kink in our sex lives.
At the start of the pandemic, there was some speculation that COVID-19 might spark some sort of a sexual revolution.
Couples stuck at home might ease the stress and boredom by having all of the sex. Single people might hook up with anyone in their bubble just because they were there. And since “sex tech” was already buzzing at the Consumers Electronics Show in January 2020, everything was lining up perfectly for smart vibrators, networked dildos and, of course, plenty of virtual reality sex.
New research from the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, however, suggests that the pandemic has had an impact on sex but not in the way people thought it might. The study, “Less sex, but more sexual diversity,” details how, in the United States, about 40 per cent of people surveyed reported they were having less sex. And, although there’s a small subset of folks who are more satisfied (we’ll get to them), most reported they were less satisfied with their sex lives.
“What we’ve seen with singles and with people in relationships, even those living with a partner, is that sexual frequency is declining and has continued to decline over the course of the pandemic,” explains Kristen Mark, Joycelyn Elders Chair in sexual education at the University of Minnesota medical school.
“Certainly, for single people, it’s related to the fact that, if you don’t have a viable sexual partner in your current bubble, then you’re probably going to be engaging in far less sexual behaviour outside of masturbation.”
Simple enough. But what’s going on with the marrieds? Well, if you are one, you might be able to speculate that work pyjamas aren’t exactly a turn-on and that, while quality time is important, months of non-stop togetherness could breed contempt.
“If you think about young parents home-schooling their children, you think of a lack of privacy,” says Natalie Rosen, associate professor in both the department of psychology and neuroscience and the department of obstetrics and gynecology at Dalhousie University.
“And, on top of that, our space has changed. People are working in their bedrooms, which used to be their sexy space, but now they’re staring at their computer and all these things that can interfere with sex and contribute to low desire.”
Rosen says that we might be able to extrapolate from American data and assume we have similar sex lives but cautions that it would be highly regional in Canada, since some provinces had very different experiences of the pandemic than others.
Here in Ontario, which has seen several shutdowns and half-measures when it comes to schooling, we might expect quite a few people to resemble the parents with young children in the Kinsey study — noteworthy because they experience the biggest decline in both frequency of sex and satisfaction.
Says Mark: “I can say, anecdotally at least, that a lot of these people are just in survival mode and are trying to get through each day, especially if their kids are learning from home and don’t have extra help.”
It’s not all bad news, though. One in five respondents were fully leaning into their kink and getting adventurous and trying new things in bed or, for that matter, the kitchen. Or over their smartphones.
“It may be just something that’s not on most people’s regular rotation of sexual behaviours,” explains Mark. “It’s not necessarily the behaviours themselves that are interesting, it’s just people are trying new things.”
The study cites new positions, new rooms, role-playing and, obviously, sex tech, including virtual sex, porn, smart toys and sexting.
Here’s the rub though: despite a lot of speculation that this was the push technology-mediated sex needed to become part of the new normal, the Kinsey researchers caution that it might be short-lived. Why? Sexting and sharing graphic photos became more common during the pandemic, but few who engaged in that actually reported feeling satisfied with their sex lives. Sort of like Zoom with your friends and family, which we all say is better than nothing but still leaves you feeling empty.
Instead, it was those who got their kink on in person with a partner, whether it was in bondage and dominance roleplaying or just trying out a new position. Old fashioned face-toface BDSM and erotic massage still appear to have an edge over virtual reality.
It’s unclear why, but it might have something to do with how we’re wired.
“Sex can potentially help relieve stress and there’s a psychological component to that, since sex helps you feel connected to your partner, and gives you pleasure and energy release, and all those positive things are linked to coping with stress,” says Dalhousie’s Rosen.
“But there’s also a biological component, too, where physical touch from another person has this calming effect because it decreases levels of cortisone and increases oxytocin, which is that primary hormone related to social connection and, research suggests, is also linked to sexual arousal.”
Depending on the situation, though, meeting in the flesh might not be an option. So, it might make sense to avoid letting perfection be the enemy of pretty good.
“I think the take-home is that our sex lives are difficult to prioritize right now. However, sex is good for you, so if you don’t have access to a partner engage in some of these other ways to feel close with people; like if you do have someone that you’re interested in having video sex with, that could be helpful,” says Mark. “Or if you’re someone who doesn’t have a potential partner for that, masturbation helps.
“Engaging in self-love is important, not just sexually, but also emotionally, so really allowing yourself to enjoy some of that, while we get through to the other side of this, is really important right now.”