Can long-distance romance work in a pandemic?
Everything is virtual now anyway — here’s how to give it your best shot
By now, you know the drill: If something was hard before the pandemic, it’s even harder during it. That goes for work-life balance, for parenting and especially for finding the will to change out of your favourite sweatpants.
But when it comes to dating long distance, it’s not quite as clear-cut. If you were in a longdistance relationship before the pandemic began, you’re likely fairly practised in sustaining it from afar, said Theresa DiDonato, an associate professor of psychology at Loyola University Maryland and an expert in romantic relationships. It’s the newer couplings — those created shortly before or since the start of the pandemic — that may be on more fragile ground.
That’s not to say that people aren’t giving it a go. The dating website OkCupid has seen an 83 per cent increase in new users setting their location preferences to “anywhere” since the pandemic began, said a spokesperson for the company. Survey results published in October from Match.com, another dating site, show 51 per cent of respondents said they were more open to a long-distance relationship than in previous years.
“In normal times, I think the challenges of dating long distance might have prevented us from deciding to try it,” said Joey White, a resident physician in Ann Arbor, Michigan, who met his Washington, D.C.-based boyfriend in May. “But basically every other aspect of life is virtual right now anyway. It doesn’t seem like a big deal to only communicate over FaceTime.”
A new long-distance relationship is the ultimate in social distancing. Can it survive a pandemic? Here’s how to give it your best shot.
Talk about when you’re going to talk
When you’re dating long distance, it’s imperative to “set clear expectations around when and how you’ll communicate,” said Logan Ury, director of relationship science at the dating app Hinge and author of the book, “How to Not Die Alone.” “Some people like texting back and forth all day, but others find it distracting. Establish early on how often you’ll be in touch and for what duration.”
When you’re setting up a recurrent video chat, choose times you can commit to, so your partner feels they’re a priority, said Bela Gandhi, a dating coach and the founder of the coaching service Smart Dating Academy.
Even in geographically close relationships, people’s attachment anxieties can be triggered by stressful situations, said DiDonato — like, say, a deadly pandemic.
“They often need more reassurance that the relationship is working and that the other person wants to be with them,” she said.
Be there even when you can’t be there
Anna Hosey, a hairdresser in Chicago, lives almost 4,000 miles from her fiancé in London. But they still dress up for meals together, lit by candles and the glow of their laptops, even if one of them is eating dinner and the other is having a midnight snack.
It’s important to create quality time virtually, said Ury, and that doesn’t just mean segueing from work-Zoom to date-Zoom at your desk.
“Go for a walk together,” she said. “Pick a time you can both get outside, then call each other and describe what you see.”
Scheduling virtual dates can be a critical way of cultivating what DiDonato called interdependence — that is, weaving your lives together.
“In high interdependence relationships, your partner is always at the back of your mind,” she said. “You see Brussels sprouts at the grocery store and you think, ‘Oh, she likes those, I’ll get some.’”
Get awkward early
Commit not just to the relationship — are you seeing each other exclusively? — but also to a mutual plan for its path, Gandhi said.
“Make sure you’re on the same page about where you’re going,” she advised. “Long distance is fine for a while, but you need an end goal.”
That means having big conversations and having them upfront.
“Don’t whittle away two years of your lives without ever asking, ‘Would you move here or would I move there? Do you want to get married? Do you want kids?” Gandhi said.
With travel paused, you can get to the nitty-gritty sooner.
Above all, remember that this too shall pass.
“It’s just a temporary sacrifice of physical nearness,” DiDonato said. “Eventually, it’ll end.”