MENTAL HEALTH
Speaking up
Truro Bearcats assistant coach opens up about his struggle with depression in effort to help others.
One of the toughest challenges TJ Smith ever faced was talking to his parents about his suicidal thoughts and then watching tears run down their faces.
“My parents had come over from Newfoundland because they knew something was wrong,” he said. “They encouraged me to get help. I was in such a dark spot by then, I barely remember my visit to the hospital.”
Most would never have suspected Smith was struggling with depression. He was a highscoring forward with the Truro Junior A Bearcats hockey team for three years before going on to NCAA Division 1 hockey. He returned to Truro as assistant coach for the Bearcats from 2007-09 and moved up to head coach and general manager of the Yarmouth Mariners last winter.
That’s when suicidal thoughts began to overwhelm him.
“I can’t pinpoint the time depression started; probably in my late teens,” said Smith, now 30. “Feelings of worthlessness became more common and I had trouble sleeping. I went on to use alcohol on weekends to silence the demons but I never used drugs. Hockey was an escape for me but there were problems inside. I would grab my mask and put it on to go out the door. I was putting on an act.”
He thought he could hide his depression until it went away. But the bad days became bad weeks, then bad months. Things became more difficult. He was gambling as a way to escape from his feelings and thoughts.
After breaking down and talking to assistant coaches and his parents, he went to hospital in January and was officially diagnosed with major depression. He was admitted to a psychiatric unit. After three weeks he was released but a month later he returned for a few days. In April he felt the need to go back in for a couple of nights.
“Since I’ve been diagnosed I’ve been doing a lot of reading and writing a blog,” he said. “I did it to clear the air at first but strangers have reached out to me and I feel I’m helping people. I want to motivate others to seek help.
“Coaching hockey is big for me but I’d like to work in mental health, too. I’m interested in peer support and would like to talk at high schools.”
He quit drinking, takes medication and ECT treatments, talks to his parents every day and spends time with his fouryear-old son, who lives in Halifax. He and the child’s mother are still friends and she remains supportive.
“I’m working out a few times a week and being more mindful, trying not to rush through things,” he said.
Although he has made a lot of progress his struggle continues. He also wants to help others with their struggles.
“I don’t hold back when I talk about my mental health because that would play into the stigma,” he added. “I want people to know it’s not a bad thing to seek help. Mental illness is like any other illness you need help for.”