Teen’s behaviour about need for independence

THIS WEEK’S PARENT TRAP

My 15-year-old is sneaky. He hoards candy; wrappers are everywhere. He tells me he’s in one place and I find he’s in another. It’s endless. Here’s the kicker: we’re the most open, loving parents a kid could have. We’re not punitive, we don’t take things away or threaten or punish, we talk things through, the kids make adjustments and we all learn. I don’t understand what reaction he’s trying to avoid as we rarely get upset. Is this just a normal phase he’ll outgrow, because I don’t trust my own kid.

Geoff, Vancouver

YOUR TWO CENTS

Completely normal. He wants to have a private life and it’s as simple as that. He’s at the stage where he wants to make his own decisions without having to check with you constantly. As long as he’s keeping himself safe — don’t sweat the small stuff.

Dan, Vancouver

The affectionate and transparent aspect of your parenting style is invaluable, and should be modelled by more parents.

Gil, Burnaby

MICHELE KAMBOLIS SAYS

Sneaking, dishonesty, avoidance and evasiveness are all telltale signs of one thing.

Your son is trying to accomplish his most important developmental task — individuation. We’d all love to see our kids transition seamlessly, from the delightful, mostly honest, brighteyed child to a responsible thriving young adult. But when the task leads to push back from our attempts to parent, even the most understanding among us can be left wondering whether it’s a developmental crisis or a moral one.

While your son’s choices may seem senseless to you, there are all kinds of reasons kids keep information from their parents. At some level, he understands you’re not thrilled about his sugar cravings. So he hides the wrappers. He worries that you won’t approve of him going to a friend’s house, so he tells you he’s elsewhere.

Or, maybe he simply doesn’t want to be the guy that needs to “check with his mom” before changing locations. When you see him as deceptive, you miss the real truth behind his choices. And while you may fear he’s becoming one of the Lance Armstrongs of the world, his transgressions are less about moral conscience than they are a desire to make his own decisions.

Keep in mind, with adolescence comes a great need for independence, for pushing limits.

Most try to meet this need with their peers. While social connection is important at any stage, leaning more on peers than parents can be a big problem when they push back our care. Holding steady with your “we’re in this together” approach will call him back to the fact that growing up isn’t a “do-it-yourself” endeavour. Your connection really is your best bet as you try to guide him toward a better understanding of himself.

Finally, build on the open relationship you have worked so hard to develop, by having a discussion about trust. Help him understand the natural consequences that go hand in hand with even “little white lies,” including the lack of freedom that comes with a scarcity of trust and a subsequent impact on relationships. Focusing on fair, but firm, natural consequences will help ensure your son is left with the dignity he needs to take responsibility and regain his connection with you.

NEXT WEEK

My daughter’s perfectionism is driving our entire family absolutely crazy. If we don’t say things correctly, we’re corrected. If her sister has a cold, she won’t go near her. If someone sips out of her cup, she dumps it out. She erases her work until the paper is transparent and she worries constantly about her marks. She’s only in Grade 6 and while how she acts is frustrating, I’m really just worried about her happiness. At what point should we be concerned?

Jennifer, Richmond

ADD YOUR TWO CENTS

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