To nanny, or not: good caregivers are hard to find

THIS WEEK’S TRAP

After having been a stay-athome mom for the past two years, I have made the decision to go back to work. As my husband continues to work fulltime, he and I have agreed to hire a nanny to take care of our son. We’ve started telling friends and family about our decision, many of whom have reacted by passing on their nanny-related horror stories. I’m finding myself getting more and more anxious as we enter the hiring process, and there are days when I even start to wonder if I should just continue staying at home. Any wisdom you have for selecting our son’s future caregiver would be greatly appreciated.

Susan, North Vancouver

YOUR TWO CENTS

My family was blessed with the most nurturing, dependable, and responsible nanny anyone could wish for. It’s all about connection! Pick someone you feel comfortable with, trust — and most importantly, someone the children like!

Tiffany, Vancouver

It took an excruciating year of searching on our own to find the right nanny for our three-yearold daughter and five-year-old son. When we finally found one that was a good fit, she ended up leaving after four months. In the end, we delayed my wife’s re-entry into work and we’re all better off.

Jim, Coquitlam

MICHELE KAMBOLIS SAYS

As the number of families with dual incomes has increased over the past few decades, so too has the demand for child care in British Columbia. In fact, over 50 per cent of parents with children under age four have some kind of non-parental support. As common as this process is, entrusting the care of our children to another person is emotionally loaded. Parents fear they will face judgment for choosing to work, worry their child will suffer emotionally without their unlimited presence and, worse yet, that a nanny or child-care worker may create harm.

Our modern parenting culture tells us our children won’t thrive unless we’re on deck at all times. Yet there are endless examples of the far-reaching benefits of so-called all oparenting — enlisting other adults to provide the same loving care we do. In fact, for many cultures shared child care is the secret to family success. But for all oparenting to be successful, it has to mirror its original form. That means inviting that person into your family tribe. So when you begin your search, start with this in mind. And it is worth keeping in mind that for every horror story, you can find 100 good ones.

Once you have set your intention to find someone who will become an extension of your family, clarify the key qualities you are looking for. You cannot create what you need if you’re not clear about your vision. Write in detail the essence, temperament and values you are looking for. Once you’ve honed in the core qualities, identify the skills, education and experience you would like your child’s caregiver to have. Keep in mind this process will take on a life of its own, and the qualities you initially believed to be essential may not be quite so important once you find someone who intuitively feels right for your family.

Then, balance instincts with what you see on paper. Reference and criminal record checks, and even searching them out on social media can all tell you great deal. When it comes to the care of your child, who a person is trumps what they have accomplished.

Finally, ease your new caregiver into your child’s life (and yours) slowly. Any relationship requires the time to build trust — and trust is a reciprocal practice. By taking the time to grow a warm working relationship, your child will more easily accept their new all oparent.

At the end of the day, balancing all the criteria for your family’s life, including jobs, schools and even nannies, is about making wise choices. Knowing why you are making a choice instils confidence for your kids too, no matter what that choice may be.

NEXT WEEK’S TRAP

Every day, I fear for my 11-year-old daughter’s life. When she was a toddler, she was diagnosed with a peanut allergy that is potentially anaphylactic. As a result, we have been instructed to have her carry an EpiPen at all times.

Unfortunately, I don’t think she appreciates the seriousness of her allergy. She often leaves the house without remembering to take the EpiPen, and disregards packaging warnings that say they may contain peanuts. When we take away privileges to drive home the point that we are serious about her being more conscientious, she breaks into a tantrum and says that we are trying to keep her from life, her friends, having fun, etc. As she continues to grow older and become more independent, how can we get her to appreciate the severity of her allergy before she has a life-threatening accident?

ADD YOUR TWO CENTS

Share your advice or a parent trap of your own by email at mmobile@shaw.ca