Tories aim to merge, but will party’s name be a hit?

On Thursday, Alberta’s two conservative parties officially announced plans to merge. The former rivals are leaving aside the nitty-gritty for now, with all those details to be worked out at a future founding convention. But one of the first orders of business was to name themselves the United Conservative Party. The name is good ... but it’s not great. That’s why the National Post’s Tristin Hopper humbly presents some alternate suggestions below.

AMALGAMATED CONFEDERATED UNION OF UNITED AND JOINED CONSERVATIVES

There are cynics who will call this merger a union of convenience brought about only by the singular desire to overthrow Rachel Notley. But those naysayers are wrong. Sure, Alberta conservatives already saw one marriage end in messy divorce (two if you count the whole federal thing). But this partnership is truly forever — just ask the five synonyms for “unity” in the party name.

THE ALBERTA PARTY

This is a classic Canadian political trick: Take the name of the jurisdiction you want to govern, and name your party after it. Saskatchewan premier Brad Wall did it with his conservative-leaning Saskatchewan Party. Ditto with the Yukon Party, which just wrapped up 14 consecutive years of governance. There’s just one problem: The centrist one-seat dweebs at the Alberta Party already took the name.

ALBERTA FORWARD!

Admittedly, exclamation marks are really more of a European thing. The new president of France, Emmanuel Macron, represents a new party that roughly translates as “Onwards!” Across the border in Belgium, meanwhile, Flemish socialists have formed Red! But it’s high time Alberta got a political party that is also an interjection. If anything has made this province great, it’s doing things quickly and loudly.

BLUE

Big tents win elections, so why risk alienating voters with words like “conservative,” “progressive” or “party”? Better to pick a name devoid of expectations or baggage; an amorphous vagary that can satisfy all and promise nothing. Blue will bring jobs. Blue will bring safe. Blue will bring house. Blue good. Blue strong.

THE WILD CONSERVATIVES

This seems to be the most elegant merger of the names Wildrose and Progressive Conservative — even if it does sound like an animated series featuring Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan as motorcycle outlaws. Picking the “wild” card does indeed seem politically popular as of late. And the name also sounds great in French: Conservateurs Sauvages.

ALBERTA PATRIOTIC FRONT

There’s nothing in this party name that is technically incorrect: Whatever emerges from the founding party convention, it will be composed largely of patriotic Albertans forming a front against the NDP. And the name may attract votes from the greying demographic of Western separatists that still populate the province’s hinterlands. Unfortunately, a bunch of nationalist parties and terrorist groups have given the otherwise fantastic word “patriotic front” a bad reputation.

OIL & SOIL

If it’s possible to isolate a single factor that contributed to the conservative split in Alberta, it’s neglect of the grassroots. While the Progressive Conservatives ossified into a somnolent semi-dictatorship, the Wildrose rebelled by forming an organization that is almost as viciously democratic as a Vancouver knitting club. Well, what’s even deeper than grassroots? Soil — and the wonderful, ethical, job-creating oil beneath it.

THE NEW PROGRESSIVE CONSERVATIVE PARTY

Here’s a dirty secret: The “New” Democratic Party currently governing Alberta isn’t actually that new at all. It was founded in 1962! What’s more, there wasn’t even an Old Democratic Party. When will their lies stop? It’s time to take back the word “new” and apply it to something that was created at a time when Perry Como wasn’t topping the charts.

THE PARTY FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE WILDROSE AND PROGRESSIVE CONSERVATIVE PARTIES

What better way to symbolize rebirth and renewal than with an unpronounceable symbol? Is it even appropriate to represent such a historic coming-together with something as quotidian as words? Ultimately, the hearts and minds of Alberta conservatives can only be faithfully represented in the abstract. The cross. The wheat sheave. The oil derrick. This symbol is all of those, and also none of them.

THE ALBERTA CONSERVATIVE PARTY

This, obviously, is what they should have gone with. It is an Alberta conservative party, after all. You want to chance a name with a lot of risky non-locationspecific froo-froo? Albertans drive Fords, they drink Tim’s, they name their children either Olivia or Liam and they sure as hell don’t need some latte-drinking marketing consultant fancying-up their election ballots.