FROM GRIEF TO GIVING
How a mother turned her late husband’s birthday into her favourite day of the year
When Tyra Damm lost her husband to brain cancer in 2009 after 15 years of marriage, her heart broke thousands of times for herself and her kids, who were four and eight. In the blur of that first year, one thing stood out: His birthday.
His birthday, it turned out, was the hardest day of all, full of unbelievable grief. Almost out of desperation, she hatched an idea for the next birthday.
The following year, Damm decided to use Steve’s birthday to help other people, maybe even show the kids the world can be good. On his birthday, Nov. 4, she asked friends in her Texas community to perform random acts of kindness in his honour, such as giving flowers to an elderly person, donating food to a local pantry or taking cookies to a firehouse. People responded with hundreds of acts, and the hashtag #dammkind was born.
“Selfishly, it helps us feel better,” said Damm, 45, a middle school teacher and parenting columnist at the Dallas Morning News. “It makes me feel better on the day rather than yet another day to remember our loss.”
In the five years since, #dammkind has expanded, moving people she has never met to perform acts of kindness. Nov. 4 is now a day on which her email inbox and social media feeds are filled with photos and descriptions of small and large acts of kindness performed in Steve Damm’s name.
“It is my favourite day of the year,” she said.
Each year, she asks that people collectively perform the number of acts of kindness that matches what would be her late husband’s age, but there are always far more.
A few years ago on his birthday, Damm estimated people sent her notes about 400 random acts of kindness they performed. This year, she asked for 49 (he would have turned 49 years old), but the number so far is about twice that.
She’s still getting emails detailing more kind acts.
Damm documents many of the kind acts on her blog, and has a card available for people to download and give away as they perform their act of kindness, which many people do.
It says, in part, “This gift is given in memory of Steve Damm.
“His life was cut short by brain cancer but his legacy continues. ... He loved kindness and he loved life.”
Friends in and near their town of Frisco have posted acts of kindness that include buying coffee or ice cream for a person in line next to them, leaving a note of gratitude and a large tip for a waitress, baking cookies for Meals on Wheels and giving a “hefty gas card to an unsuspecting person getting gas.” One person took a friend whose husband was diagnosed with cancer out for a pedicure.
Damm’s network has gone way beyond Texas, including friends across the U.S. and a former babysitter of theirs who now lives in Paris.
This year, among other acts, Damm donated to friends who lost their house in a fire.
Her kids, Cooper, 16, and Katie, 12, bought ice cream for friends, and while in line, they also paid for the family behind them.
Damm said #dammkind has helped her to show her children more about their father’s values, beyond the stories they’ve heard.
“I feel responsible for helping the kids understand who their dad was and his character,” she said. “They don’t have the same memories I do. It was a way for them to see what was important to Steve is still important to us.”
I feel responsible for helping the kids understand who their dad was and his character. They don’t have the same memories I do. It was a way for them to see what was important to Steve is still important to us.