The herald angels ... would be appalled

It’s inescapable. Every year, as October rolls into November you know you’re in for two months of nauseating, saccharine sins against music, all in the name of Christmas cheer. The songs assail you in shopping malls and grocery stores. They find you at te

10. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (Jimmy Boyd)

This 1952 tune breaks two cardinal rules of music: 1) No one should ever should ever write a song about Santa kissing anyone and 2) no one should ever record Christmas songs sung by children. The song does get a few points for having once been condemned by the Catholic Church, which decided it implied a link between Christmas and sex. The ban was only lifted after 13-yearold Boyd met with church leaders.

9. The Little Drummer Boy (sung by everyone)

Written in 1941, this piece was first recorded by the Trapp Family Singers as Carol of the Drum, and if that’s where the story had ended, it might have been all right. It’s not actually a terrible song — it’s just been covered to death, and then a bunch more times after that. Still, Bing Crosby and David Bowie’s 1977 mash-up of Little Drummer Boy and Peace on Earth almost redeems it. Almost.

8. Wonderful Christmastime (Paul McCartney)

This 1979 holiday tune, which makes liberal use of a relentlessly obnoxious combination of synthesizer and sleigh bells, is proof that even the best songwriters should steer clear of Christmas music. Still, Forbes reported in 2010 that the former Beatle was likely making $400,000 to $600,000 a year in royalties from the piece, so he, at least, is probably having a pretty Wonderful time. Last year, McCartney reprised the song with Jimmy Fallon and the Roots, which made it marginally better, because the Roots make everything better.

7. Petit Papa Noel (Tino Rossi)

This 1946 French ballad about a child asking “Little Father Christmas” not to forget about him is proof that terrible Christmas music transcends linguistic boundaries. In 1994, it was covered by Céline Dion and the Chipmunks, proof that even very bad things can always be made worse.

6. All I Want For Christmas Is You (Mariah Carey)

We get it, Mariah — you REALLY love Christmas. Walter Afanasieff, Carey’s co-writer on the 1994 hit, told Business Insider in 2013 that the decision to record a Christmas album was a bit of a risk back then, and Cosmopolitan has reported that Carey was initially reluctant to do it, seeing holiday records as the stuff of has-beens. Oh, if only they’d decided to play it safe. Note: the screaming goat remix is a definite improvement.

5. Baby, It’s Cold Outside (Michael Bublé, Idina Menzel, Lady Gaga, She & Him, etc.)

Yes, this 1944 song about a host pressuring a guest to stay into the night is a little rape-y. Yes, the original score labels the two parts “Wolf” and “Mouse.” Yes, “What’s in this drink?” does not read well in 2017. Still, it’s probably true that back in the 1940s, the woman’s protestations were seen as fear of a tarnished reputation, not an actual desire to get away from a creep who keeps singing about her delicious lips. But in the Year of Weinstein, it’s possible this song “simply must go.”

4. Do They Know It’s Christmas? (Band Aid)

Given that around 60 per cent of sub-Saharan Africans are Christian — yeah, they probably do. Despite being patronizing as fudge, Band Aid’s hugely popular anthem raised 8 million pounds ($13.7 million) in the year after its 1984 release to fight famine in Ethiopia, undeniably a Good Thing. But that doesn’t make the original recording — a bunch of white superstars singing about how Africa has no plant life or water, aside from tears — any less cringeworthy. To his credit, Bob Geldof, seen above, admitted in 2010 that his smash hit is one of the “worst songs in history.” But that didn’t stop him from rewriting it in 2014, during the Ebola crisis, so Coldplay’s Chris Martin could have a chance to wail on about Africa’s “clanging chimes of doom.”

3. Feliz Navidad (José Feliciano)

A couple of years ago, the Puerto Rican singer told the Atlantic he wrote the English lyrics (“I want to wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart”) into his 1970 hit to make sure it would get played on Englishlanguage radio stations. And boy, does it ever. All four lines of it. Over and over and over and over again.

2. The Christmas Shoes (NewSong)

Right from its gag-inducing opening strains, you know this 2000 song about a boy trying to buy his dying mother some shoes for Christmas is going to be a tough slog. Two minutes in, you’re wishing the mother had kicked it a few days earlier and spared us the misery. Another few minutes and about seven key changes later, just as you think you’re seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, a children’s choir makes its grand entrance and slaps you across the face. Why anyone thought it would be a good idea to make a 2002 TV movie based on this song is one of life’s enduring mysteries.

1. Santa Baby

(literally no one has not sung this)

Eartha Kitt’s 1953 original is still sultry in all the right ways, but this song, generally performed by grown women singing in baby talk and flirting with Santa (gross), is undeniably weird. Also, who asks for a deed to a platinum mine for Christmas? The tune has been rendered irredeemable by dozens of appalling covers, from the likes of the Pussycat Dolls (very bad), Madonna (unlistenable), Taylor Swift (forgive her — she was young), Michael Bublé (who added a request for “Canucks tix”) and this year, for reasons unknown, Gwen Stefani.