PREDICTING A PREDICAMENT
Ed Willes gazes into his crystal ball
Any fool can tell you what happened in 2017. Only this fool can tell you what will happen in 2018:
Jan. 21: In an untimely accident, Daniel Sedin, Alex Edler and Markus Granlund bonk heads during the Canucks’ pre-game soccer warm-up in Winnipeg. That leaves the Canucks with 14 healthy players and forces the organization to sign Cliff Ronning, Jyrki Lumme, Darcy Rota, Tony Tanti, Gary Nylund and a guy named Bob who’s leading his beer-league team in Corsi.
Canucks also petition the NHL to play goalies Jacob Markstrom and Anders Nilsson at the same time. Citing the unusual circumstances around the team, the league allows this. The Canucks still drop a 5-2 decision to the Jets. Ronning, however, is named the game’s third star.
Feb. 4: The New England Patriots down the Minnesota Vikings 34-31 in a controversial Super Bowl marred by questionable officiating. The Vikings have a touchdown called back for “illegally running into the end zone.” A crucial sack of Tom Brady is overturned for “excessive tackling of a 40-year-old.”
The Patriots are also awarded a TD when Rob Gronkowski appears to drop the ball on the ground before picking it up.
“He completed the process, eventually,” officials explain.
“The key was our attention to detail,” Pats head coach Bill Belichick says.
Feb. 25: The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang comes to end when speedskater Sergei Bupkes, the last clean athlete from Russia, tests positive for EPO, humangrowth hormone, steroids, beta blockers and cough syrup. Bupkes aroused suspicion during the 10,000 metres when a hypodermic needle fell out of his backside on his way to a first-place finish.
From Moscow, Russian President Vladimir Putin says Bupkes’ disqualification is further evidence of a global conspiracy against Russia. Donald Trump immediately tweets: “You know, the man might have a point.”
On a more uplifting note, Canada wins the gold in men’s hockey, defeating the plucky South Koreans on Ronning’s overtime goal. Ronning was a surprise late addition to Team Canada after his starring turn as an emergency signing with the Canucks in January. Beer-league Bob is named the tournament MVP.
Feb. 26: The first-place Vegas Golden Knights, winners of 10 straight games, stun the hockey world when they hang on to pending free-agents James Neal, David Perron and Luca Sbisa at the trade deadline.
“Honestly, this wasn’t part of the plan, but what are you going to do?” says Knights general manager George McPhee.
With the emergence of David Clarkson as an elite forward, the Knights believe they are Stanley Cup contenders. Clarkson, who started the season coaching high school in Toronto, makes a miraculous comeback after sitting out the last year and a half. The Knights took him from Columbus as a salary dump and never expected Clarkson to play this season.
“Honestly, he wasn’t part of the plan, either,” says McPhee.
May 31: The Knights become the first expansion team in NHL history to win the Cup, sweeping all four series. Clarkson narrowly wins the Conn Smythe Trophy over Sbisa, who leads the Knights in ice time during the playoffs. William Karlsson leads the postseason in scoring. Goalie Malcolm Subban wins all 16 games for the Knights.
“I’m not going to lie to you,” says McPhee. “A lot of things went right for us this season.”
The parade is held in the parking lot at Caesars Palace. Wayne Newton entertains at the afterparty. June 4: The Canucks finish the year in 28th place overall. At the draft lottery, NHL vice-president Bill Daly initially pulls out a Vancouver card in the 15th slot. When a stunned Trevor Linden protests, a smiling Daly says: “I know that’s not possible. I’m just messing with you.”
Later, a stone-faced Daly announces the Canucks have won the lottery and will pick first overall, then breaks up laughing. “Had you going there, didn’t I?” he says to Linden. “You’re the Canucks. Did you really think you’d win this thing?”
The Canucks, in fact, drop their customary three spots and end up with the seventh pick. The world continues to turn on its proper axis.
June 17: In his latest attempt at a comeback, Tiger Woods makes the U.S. Open cut at Shinnecock Hills, but finishes with rounds of 81 and 79. Still, Woods claims low-net honours in the over-40 division. Golf scribes immediately hail this as a sign Tiger is back.
Aug. 18: Following a crushing loss in Toronto, the B.C. Lions’ football department holds an emergency meeting with owner David Braley, head coach and VP of football operations Wally Buono and GM Ed Hervey. The meeting gets off to a rocky start when Braley is confused by Hervey’s presence. “Who’s he?” the owner asks. When told he’s the GM, Braley says: “Well I’ll be.”
The meeting ends with Buono, the VP, promising to have a stern talk with Buono, the head coach, and Braley promising to go for coffee with Hervey.
Sept. 11: In a stunning move, the Aquilini family buys the Lions from Braley, the Whitecaps from Greg Kerfoot and B.C. Place from the province. The family immediately announces they’re bringing a rugby team, a WNBA team and roller derby to fill in the available dates at The Dome. It’s also rumoured they’re pursuing a tournament bass-fishing stop on Lost Lagoon.
The deal came together when their attempts to buy Vancouver Island fell apart.
Oct. 31: The New York Yankees win their first World Series in nine years, blitzing the Los Angeles Dodgers 37-2 in Game 4 to complete a sweep. Giancarlo Stanton hits six home runs for the Bronx Bombers in the deciding game and Aaron Judge adds five more. Mike Trout, who the Yankees picked up at the trade deadline, goes 7-for-8 with six runs scored and five RBIs. Josh Donaldson, another mid-season acquisition, contributes four homers of his own behind the pitching of Corey Kluber.
“It was our attention to details that made the difference,” says Yankees skipper Aaron Boone.
Dec. 24: Led by rookie sensation Elias Pettersson and veteran Ronning, the Canucks are off to an encouraging 21-12-4 start when the entire team is placed under quarantine. B.C. health officials claim a rare strain of the bubonic plague has infected the club.
The team scrambles, trying to assemble a lineup, but beerleague Bob and the rest of their emergency signings from last year are all playing in China.
The NHL rules the Canucks will have to start defaulting games. Draftists, at least, are happy.