ROMANTIC STRUGGLE IS REAL
Men do want successful women — so why do they have trouble dating?
Jenna Birch’s new book sat on my desk for months before I could bear to open it. The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life and Love (Hachette, 2018) is about why smart, successful independent women — the type of women men profess to want — have trouble finding steady relationships.
For years, my single girlfriends and I have been told by the men we date: You’re everything I’m looking for, but I just don’t feel it. Or: You’re great, but I’m just not ready for a relationship. We’ve heard the same refrains for decades. I didn’t want to open the book because it felt too close to home.
But I’m glad I did. Because in it I found empathy for the women who hear these things and the men who say them. And an explanation for why seemingly good matches fall apart or never come to fruition.
Perplexed by her own dating struggles, Birch dug into research and spoke to about 100 men and women about why it’s so hard to find the relationship they desire.
QHow did you decide this was the question you wanted to explore?
AThere’s a lot of survey data that said men were really into these smart career women. But I looked around at who was struggling with dating, and they tended to be that type. If this type of woman is the dream girl, then why are they having so many problems? That was a big guiding question from the beginning.
QWhy do men have trouble committing to women who seem to be the whole package, or as you call them: the End Goal?
AWomen who are “End Goals” are those who really have their lives together. It might be the partnership that these men ultimately want, but they’re just not there yet, so they can’t commit. I wanted to reassure women that if they were having these problems, not to get a complex about it. Just wait until they find an investment they really want to make or someone who is special.
QHow have you seen this disconnect in your own dating life?
AI had an ex-boyfriend tell me that I was so sure of myself that I was going to scare guys. I’ve also had situations where, on first dates, men will say things like: “I can’t have a girlfriend right now.” They might be thinking about moving, going to grad school or taking a job out of state. It’s a very psychological thing of: One thing comes before the other.
Men are kind of stuck in that norm, where they have to provide. They put that pressure on themselves. I started to see that a lot in my dating life. The guys who were settled were more interested in pursuing things and seeing where it would go; they had a relationship mindset. The guys who were not settled or didn’t know where they were going to be didn’t know if they could provide, were very skittish about making a firm commitment or going in that direction.
QWhy does that sense of men wanting to be a provider still exist when so many couples expect that both partners will be working ?
AIt’s definitely the norm. There was recent Pew research that looked at what men and women thought the societal pressures were for men and women. The vast majority put being a provider and career success at the top for men. Women are showing that we can be that equal provider. But there are still these ingrained gender roles.
QIf men aren’t fully aware of what’s holding them back, how do we date smarter?
AIf you listen closely, men will tell you where they’re at. A lot of them will drop hints about: “I want to settle down” or “it’d be nice to have a long-term partner.” Whereas somebody who’s in flux will tell you they’re works in progress (which we all are). Individually, you can kind of decide what’s worth your investment and how to structure your time wisely.
QHow do women know when to invest in a man who’s not quite ready yet?
AA lot of that comes down to really looking for things that you like in someone and maybe being patient with someone who’s not fully there yet but you see potential there. Does that person have a path to get where they want to go? Or are they kind of stagnant and not sure what they’re going to do yet and there doesn’t seem to be any active movement?
When you’re investing in a partnership, you have to look at the trajectory as a positive one, if they seem to be on their way versus just kind of stagnant and feeling things out. Having that vision of where they want to be — even if they’re a bit behind — is much more attractive.