Be the bunny slope
There’s a case for ‘intentionally lazy’ parenting, which isn’t actually lazy at all
Last year, I was working with Charlie, a typical kid. He was a bright student, taking a few honours classes and scoring around the 90th percentile on standardized tests. But every time we met, he shared variations of the same problem: A test he bombed because he forgot to study; a missing piece of equipment for lacrosse that caused him to miss practice; or a homework assignment he forgot to turn in.
As bright as he was, Charlie was underperforming academically.
Like many kids, Charlie was struggling with executive functioning, a neurological skill set critical for success. The skills are mainly controlled by the frontal lobe of our brains — the part that allows us to work toward goals, regulate emotions, solve problems and make decisions.
Parents and teachers are trying to help kids build their executive function skills. Teachers are taught strategies to incorporate the skills in classrooms: Posting schedules, making to-do lists and providing outlines detailing assignment requirements. Parents need a framework to reinforce these skills at home.
That framework is what I call intentional laziness parenting. It gives children the independence to try — and maybe fail a little — on their own. And it’s not actually lazy at all. It’s difficult and requires mental and physical determination from the parent.
Executive function skills include organization, time management, thinking flexibly, paying attention and emotional regulation. The average fifthgrade student isn’t directly taught how to keep track of assignments, plan a night’s work, then complete the task. They’re expected to know how to do this, or to figure it out.
Unfortunately, executive function skills aren’t generally practised. With other activities, there’s a focus on skills. Tennis players have a swing coach. Singers have a voice coach. Most people don’t think organization and time management are skills that can be practised and improved, but they are.
Intentional laziness parenting allows children to develop those skills. Instead of doing things for children, parents need to structure activities to push the child to take ownership. Rather than jumping in and rescuing a child, parents should plan a structured starting point and then step back — and be intentionally lazy.
An analogy is learning to ski. The first time out, a skier will head to the bunny slope for a lesson. They’re provided with the basics and given a few practise runs, then it’s off to the real ski lift. The newbie skier has been given just enough help to go out and learn on their own. A few bumps, bruises and falls may happen, but that’s how life goes.
Parents can do this for their children, acting as a bunny slope for many tasks. They can analyze a future event, determine how much the child can do on their own, plan some front-end structure and then let the child tackle the task independently.
For example, a seventh-grader should be able to buy their own school supplies. Intentional laziness would have a parent outline the tasks for the child: First, go to the school website and print off the supply list. Second, drive the child to the store. Third, meet them at the register after 20 minutes and pay for the supplies.
Intentional laziness requires planning and self-control. It’s a way to lead children to success.