COMMENT Be sure to prioritize intimacy
There can be ‘something of a dance’ between closeness and independence
Being intimate means feeling in tune with and able to trust another person. When we describe our relationship as such, it means we feel safe within it, able to show our true self freely without fear of rejection.
Independence, on the other hand, means freedom to do what we wish, without feeling beholden to or controlled by another.
Both of these qualities are important, yet they seem at odds. How can your relationship be both intimate and at the same time allow for the level of independence each individual desires?
First, recognize that any relationship is “alive,” that it’s always reconfiguring as situations and individuals within it change. John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, describes marriage as “something of a dance,” comprising times when you wish to be one with your partner and times when you want autonomy.
You should not worry if your partner enjoys a different level of independence than you, or if their personality is different from yours. Dick Barelds at the University of Groningen measured personality differences as well as relationship satisfaction in more than 900 couples. Although he recorded wide differences in personality, he found those differences didn’t affect the quality of the relationship.
The key to a satisfying relationship is to achieve and maintain a high level of intimacy. Manfred Hassebrauck and Beverley Fehr at the Universities of Wuppertal and Winnipeg interviewed Germans and Canadians, and found perceived intimacy was more closely related to relationship satisfaction than was perceived independence. Similarly, Catherine Sanderson and Kim Karetsky at Amherst College surveyed 189 undergraduates and found those who prioritized intimacy — those who were more likely to communicate well with their partner, empathize with their point of view and, where necessary, make compromises — enjoyed longerlasting relationships.
Given that your relationship may go through periods when you feel stifled, when your partner seems overly dependent, what’s the best way to re-establish a more equal balance?
Brooke Feeney at Carnegie Mellon University gave couples a task to measure how accepting they were of the dependency needs of each other, and monitored them for six months.
Those whose partner responded with acceptance to their dependency needs, rather than encouraging a return to independence, became progressively less dependent and more self-sufficient.
Thus, the best ways to maintain a relationship are to prioritize intimacy, to honour the trust between you, to take time to listen to one another, and to do your best to accept your partner’s current needs — even when those needs are high.