A code for girls
New book makes important connection between risk-taking and confidence
Claire Shipman and Katty Kay were often asked the same question when they spoke about their bestselling book, The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance — What Women Should Know. No matter where they were or what group they were in front of, they were invariably asked: “How can we help our daughters?”And so, it was natural for them to decide to not only write a book about girls, but also for them. The Confidence Code for Girls features cartoon illustrations, quizzes and many stories of girls who overcame obstacles.
We spoke to Shipman, a mother to a 16-year-old boy and a daughter who is about to turn 13, about what she and Kay found while researching the book, and what they hope girls gain from it. This interview was edited for length and clarity.
Q What was the impetus for this book?
A The Confidence Code we did for women did really well, and there was some research about when this confidence gap opened. It seems to start at puberty. We found as we were going out speaking, this issue of “what about our daughters” was really resonating.
Q Why write it for girls instead of parents?
A There are great parenting books out there. We were just intrigued with the idea of reaching the kids and trying to change their behaviour and make it easier for them to change some habits. What we realized from our adult book is habit change is entirely possible with basic cognitive behavioural therapy. We worked with amazing therapists and experts to make this book, using quizzes, lists and stories.
Q Girls’ confidence drops between ages eight and 14. Why?
A Not surprisingly, it’s a mix of nature and nurture. It does seem that girls’ and boys’ brains develop a little differently. Girls, especially at puberty, start to really have much higher emotional intelligence than boys. They did before, but this is the time they double down. It leads girls to be more cautious, and boys don’t have that. Boys get a big boost of testosterone, stuff that encourages risk-taking. You build confidence by taking risks and struggling and failing and eventually mastering something. You need to be taking action to build confidence. But the system we’ve all set up is one that creates this army of young girl perfectionists. From preschool through college, it’s all about sitting still, colouring within the lines, doing more than expected, trying to please the teacher. So they don’t take risks, fail, mess up. There’s this whole conversation about boys struggling academically. But that means in the real world they know what to do. They’re learning lessons about taking risks, so they’re more ready to try something. We were really struck by this idea of how is this happening with young women. They are outperforming boys academically. Then they enter the work world, and their confidence plummets. They’re just not learning it’s OK to take risks and fail.
Q What do you hope the big take-away will be?
A That failure is OK. Risk, failing, moving on is a part of achievement and success and part of happiness in life. Hopefully stemming from that, they get a greater sense of self. The other depressing thing is perfectionism. It keeps girls from forming their own identities. They feel like they have to be everything for everyone. Even though this book is for girls, implementing all of this will depend on parents, but also educators. I’m hoping kids will learn the lesson about failure and resilience.