A letdown in middle age
It’s not unusual for men to experience the loss of their libidos as they get older
In his role as the smiling face of liberal Britain, BBC sports presenter Gary Lineker uses his Twitter feed to rail against everything from Donald Trump and Brexit through to fox-hunting.
Recently, though, the former soccer player broached a subject that really was taboo. In an interview, twice-divorced Lineker, 58, made a startling admission for a man still considered one of Britain’s most eligible bachelors. He was, he said, no longer bothered about sex or dating.
“It’s a stupid and horrible thing to say in a way, but I’m not massively into sex,” he said. “I’ve had the odd (date). But I’m straight right from the start. I say, ‘I don’t want a relationship; a nice dinner’s fine.’”
This latest gem did not spark a chorus of #Metoos on Twitter. It’s not a place where men of a certain age will readily admit they’re simply no longer interested.
Yet Lineker is by no means alone, says London-based sex therapist Silva Neves, who says it’s a perfectly natural phenomenon of middle age. It’s only an issue if they — or other people — see it as such. “Gary Lineker sounds at peace with it,” he says. “But many men do worry about it.”
In a sense, Lineker is merely confirming what science tells us. Once a man is in his 30s, his testosterone levels typically fall about one per cent a year. The effect can be noticeable within a decade or two, even though most men retain some sex drive well into their 60s or 70s. This, though, seems to be a phenomenon observable only in a laboratory, as trying to find men who will talk about it publicly is like trying to interview unicorns.
When I put out an appeal to Facebook friends as research for this article, all I got at first was bravado. “Sorry, mate, feeling a bit tired after satisfying my woman for the ninth time today,” said one guy. “Off to make love for the 27th time this month, mate,” added another.
The few who were more candid, meanwhile, insisted on anonymity.
“Lots of factors have suppressed my libido — children, work and so on,” said one married father, 42. “But it’s also about accepting your own age — when I was young, I’d get girls approaching me, but of course that doesn’t happen any more, and if I were single again, that would make the whole prospect a bit off-putting for me.”
Another father, separated at 45 after years in a sexless relationship, added: “I was terrified when I started dating again that my libido would have packed up. I’m pleased to say, though, that my new relationship is proving extremely healthy. It really is down to the personal connection, not the age.”
Where men are less able to dodge the issue is when it interferes in an existing relationship.
Ammanda Major, a counsellor, says a loss of male libido can cause tension, although only if it leads to a partner feeling shortchanged.
“Some couples don’t have that much sex anyway, and so it’s not necessarily a problem — where there’s difficulties is when it causes a disparity,” she adds. “It can be just that sex assumes less importance in a man’s life, but a woman can interpret that as him no longer finding her attractive.”
Indeed, reduced libido is often nothing to do with how one feels about one’s partner, but the result of stress or depression.
What society isn’t quite comfortable with yet is the idea that like Lineker, some men just aren’t bothered about sex per se.
“If I were single again, I would date, but it would be less for the sex, and more just to seem normal,” said one 46-year-old family man. “Not having a partner puts you off everyone’s dinner invite list. Guys who don’t want sex are seen as a bit weird.”
Arguably the biggest surprise about “Lineker syndrome,” as one might call it, is that it is any surprise at all.
For a start, sex no longer holds much mystique for most middle-aged men. Today’s man has far more distractions to compete with sex. If he’s not trying to compete on Masterchef, there’s his X-box, his 24-hour satellite sport channels, his new road bike and his bread-making machine. Not to mention poker night with the boys, Netflix must-sees to catch up on, and time on Facebook and Twitter (which is quite a lot if you’re Lineker). And, yes, for those moments where the libido gets a lookin again, there’s also endless online porn — not that even Lineker would be likely to admit to that.
There’s also the question of just how they feel about playing the field again. While Lineker has those silver fox looks usually found on men who do ads for erectile dysfunction clinics, most guys in their 50s aren’t such catches.
Neves argues this should not be a problem. When you’re 50 plus, it’s perfectly natural that your torso looks less like a six-pack and more like a beer barrel. “As we age, our bodies change, and we have to keep loving them,” he says.
And, even if they can overcome bodily embarrassment, there is, to be blunt, the challenge of getting aroused by a partner who may have some wear and tear themselves.
Small wonder, then, that some men might now prefer a Linekerstyle “nice dinner” instead.