JUST KEEP ON DREAMIN'
Despite mantras about `living in the moment,' research shows thinking about the future matters
Alexandra Berg and Benjamin James-groom planned their dream wedding for Dec. 3, but the pandemic forced them to change course. So they opted for an intimate blessing ritual and began planning their wedding for Dec. 3, 2021 — and experts say they're doing exactly the right thing to keep the stress of life at bay during the pandemic.
The young couple had spent eight months arranging the caterer, the sanctuary, the photographer, the guest list and every other detail for their large wedding, scheduled for Dec. 3, 2020.
But then Benjamin Jamesgroom and his fiancée, Alexandra Berg, were hit by this era's showstopper: the pandemic. Travel restrictions barred them from inviting scores of guests from B.C. and Alexandra's home province of Quebec.
Benjamin, 31, and Alexandra, 28, adjusted feverishly. Maybe, they thought in the early months of COVID -19, they could at least invite 15 family and friends to a kind of unofficial ceremony for Dec. 3. But soon after, in November, Benjamin says Dr. Bonnie Henry brought in her “large-event blackout.”
To make a long story of improvisation short, Benjamin and Alexandra “deconstructed” their wedding dream. They gathered last month — just the two of them, with an officiant and a photographer — for an intimate blessing ritual. Meanwhile, they're still preparing for their full-blown, legal, community celebration on Dec. 3, 2021.
Given that Jan. 27 marks the first anniversary of B.C.'S first confirmed case of the novel coronavirus, a professor of psychology at North Carolina State University, Shevaun Neupert, believes Benjamin and Alex are doing a smart thing that should help them avoid pandemic ennui.
Planning, even tentatively, is a way of beating the coronavirus, with all its external controls, attendant gloominess and, for some, financial, social and emotional devastation.
Instead of falling into the anxiety that can go along with unpredictability, Neupert's research suggests the young couple now have something to look forward to. Something that makes them feel focused and energized.
It's true that almost everyone is getting a small lift from knowing vaccinations for COVID-19 have begun. But the fear and social restrictions that go with combating the pandemic have not disappeared. Far from it. Even though B.C. cases have been declining since a peak in mid-december, Henry recently extended a provincewide ban on both public and private social gatherings to Feb. 5.
It's all taking a toll. According to a national survey by Canada's Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, 29 per cent of Canadian men and 23 per cent of women are engaging in heavy episodic drinking. Roughly one in four are experiencing higher levels of anxiety. The same number are seeking mental health professionals to cope.
With the ordeal set to endure for at least many more months, what can we do to fend off depression and even despair?
It's important to keep making plans, says Neupert, even if they don't pan out or need to be adjusted over time.
Having a plan can help overcome the stress that can go with wishy-washiness. Her advice even echoes ancient wisdom tradition. It's not for nothing, for instance, that the Bible, in the Book of Proverbs says, “Where there is no vision, the people perish.”
In a study of 200 people, Neupert and her team found that the participants who engaged in “proactive
coping ” — in other words, planning — were less stressed. They were better able to anticipate how they would handle potential hardships.
Despite all the self-help emphasis in North America on the mental health benefits of “living in the moment,” Neupert's team found it can be important to think about what one wants for the future.
A healthy part of us needs to live forward, without making the mistake of believing we can control everything: Negative and even tragic things can still happen, including the deaths, illness, job squeezes and loneliness that COVID -19 has brought to many.
In a recent poll, the Angus Reid Institute found that, when restrictions end, more than two in five Canadians most look forward to hugging and shaking hands (especially British Columbians), while 32 per cent want to dine at restaurants and 64 per cent of those with high household incomes want to hop in a plane for international travel. Even though the Angus Reid research doesn't explicitly confirm all these longing-filled Canadians are already planning for hugging, dining or travel, it would likely be good for their psyches if they did.
Humans are hardwired to find uncertainty stressful. In psychological experiments, people preferred suffering an immediate strong electric shock to the ambivalence of waiting up to 15 minutes
for a milder jolt.
Many are finding their own distinct ways to keep on trucking into this fresh year.
One retired British Columbian, David Martyn, says he is determined to keep going to his nearby gym at 5:30 a.m. — five days a week. He also plans to volunteer to drive people to cancer appointments.
Vancouver's Joseph Wu, a professional origami designer, says with too much time on his hands, he's setting deadlines to keep the creative juices flowing. He's now creating novelty face masks and plastic sabres/swords for friends, nieces and nephews.
Delta's Jim Short, a multi-faith chaplain for the Canadian military, police and firefighters, said when COVID-19 hit last year, it dawned on him that he would have to learn from his deployment in Afghanistan about how to get through it.
There is something to the metaphor that the fight against COVID is like war, says the chaplain. “A war zone is chaos. It's also a place where you could lose your life. So in the midst of chaos, it's important to have a ritual,” he says.
“What did I do in Afghanistan, where I knew some things for sure, but where all of a sudden there were large unknowns to contend with? I put a plan together. As on deployment, no matter how sh---y you felt in the dark, you get up early. You shower and shave and
get dressed, plus make the bed. So that has been my daily ritual.”
Along with maintaining a pragmatic routine, Short is making sure he tracks his spiritual and emotional well-being and regularly keeps in touch with friends and colleagues. And as a chaplain to Delta's police and firefighters, he has gone beyond his first months of complaining about the lack of in-person interaction and reached out to the first responders using Zoom, email and telephone calls. It seems to be working.
People generally feel it's hard to live with COVID-19'S loose ends. Studies show we tend to fixate on the things we can't get done in the way we wanted. It's known as the Zeigarnik effect, named after the Russian psychologist who first wrote about it. It's our natural inclination to worry about unfulfilled goals.
Short is aware of the danger. “That's why they say in the military that the best plan doesn't survive the first contact with the enemy or with reality. You realize your original plan won't work, so you have to adjust. That idea has really invigorated me, because I don't like to be defeated.”
Whether someone is longing to survive the fields of combat, to chase a ball on a soccer field or to have a wedding, people can become overwhelmed by unfulfilled wants. But scheduling things — even a
plan that never comes to fruition — can organize our thoughts and reduce anxiety. To live as fully as possible, including during this pandemic, also requires finding a balance between recklessness and excessive caution.
Before we all began worrying about getting or spreading COVID-19, human existence had always been physically risky, with accidents, sickness and dying. But the daily news blast of COVID-19 statistics, typically without context, has upped the fear factor.
News coverage of the novel coronavirus feeds into North Americans' current turn toward “safetyism,” to the false hope of creating a world where everyone is protected and no one gets hurt, emotionally or physically.
There is no doubt this pandemic is serious business and people need to take the recommended precautions, but we don't need to hide under our beds to get through it.
A Vancouver clinical psychologist, Mark Lau, says during this pandemic people prone to generalized anxiety disorder do not do well watching endless newscasts and online reports about the latest case and death tallies. They need to place a cap on their news intake.
Lau, who holds resilience retreats for health professionals and others, often starts out by having participants draw up a list of the things they do in a typical day — and then asks them to rank the activities on whether they experience them as “depleting” or “nourishing.”
Despite the supposedly relaxing quality of watching TV, Lau says some depressed people report that doing so is depleting. Although it's different for each individual, Lau says, it “might be worth considering whether it's good for one's mood or whether it's depleting.”
In contrast, most people do indeed find it life-nourishing to socialize, Lau says.
“The tough thing about that is that COVID-19 has shot a ballistic missile through most forms of socializing. So that's where we're hurting as a society.”
The specialist in cognitive behavioural therapy suggests that people find non-traditional ways to make social connections — whether through Zoom events or chatting with a store clerk, mail carrier or fellow exerciser at a physically distanced gym.
“Many people are also going out for walks with one other person. My kids are maxing out on that,” said Lau, referring to the particularly tough situation many young people find themselves in. The B.C. Centre for Disease Control reports that people in their teens and 20s have been significantly more likely to suffer COVID -19-related job loss and mental health problems.
Regardless of age, even if you're not normally a scheduler, Lau stresses that exercise is especially important to fit into your routine. The range of to-do options is vast, however: Even getting a date set for elective surgery can focus the mind in a life-giving way.
In general, including during this pandemic, Lau emphasized he doesn't specifically tell clients what they should do to find equanimity. Instead he helps people review their daily lives to answer the question: “What will charge your batteries, make you feel energized and alive?”