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Following are leftover questions from my online chat, “When to Have The Talk,” March 4:
Q . My husband and I disagree on many things and bicker. He’ll tell a story in public and I know it’s wrong because I was there too, and things didn’t happen that way. When he “embellishes” the story, I get embarrassed that he’s making things up. It’s like lying to me. He gets furious if I later say this to him, gently, so we can discuss it. He also gets names wrong and insists he’s right when mentioning something someone said. The same thing happens when misnaming a place where we went, or restaurant where we ate. These disagreements happen when we’re alone, and they bother me, but not him.
A. He’s not interested in getting it right, or else he just won’t listen when he’s sure he is right. There seems no way to deal with this since it’d just be another disagreement. His casual approach to remembering some names and places could be age-related (though I don’t know your ages). If memory in general is becoming a problem, you might suggest a medical checkup.
He’s not “lying” to you, or anyone else, there’s no attempt to deceive. Rather, he’s “embellishing” a story for dramatic effect, which he thinks shines nicely on him as storyteller, or hero, of the incident he’s recounting.
It’s not a huge irritant in the total picture of a relationship, so it’s the total picture that might have other issues you need to address. Perhaps you’re a stickler for detail (and that’s one of the issues) so it irritates you more than usual. If so, before having the talk with him, you need to have the talk with yourself, and maybe a close trusted friend, too. Do his exaggerated stories trouble them?
Or are you generally critical of your husband and need to recognize why? Think about it.
Who’ll do heavy lifting?
Q. I’m engaged; some things worry me but I don’t want to fight while planning our wedding. He’s always smoked pot daily; it keeps him calm. Without it, we argue more.
He gets me to do everything with the excuse that I’m better at chores. If I insist he help, he gets moody.
A. He’s going to keep using his “moods” until you have a blow-up. Now is the time to talk out what you both expect from marriage. If he wants things just as they are, you have a problem, unless you accept that you’ll do the indefinite heavy lifting of responsibilities. Let him choose his own tasks. When he realizes you’re not picking up his slack, he may get it. Find out how committed you are to him, not just a wedding.