Is friends with benefits a good idea for woman?

Q . A week after my friend and her boyfriend recently broke up, he asked her if she wanted to be friends with benefits. Because of her love for him, she agreed.

While they were dating, she’d told him that she wasn’t comfortable with the idea of having sex.

That’s one of the reasons that he gave when he broke up with her.

Since they became friends with benefits he’s been pressuring her into actually having sex with him.

This past weekend she finally decided that she would.

Yesterday, he blocked her on Facebook and drove away when she tried to talk to him at his car.

What can I say to help her with the situation? What can she do? Confusing Breakup A. She needs to stay true to herself, and he knows it.

She wasn’t ready for sex within their relationship, so he used the breakup to come up with a different approach.

She gave in … and he knew he’d taken advantage of her feelings for him.

She needs to think through why she’d be willing to have sex with him on those conditions, whereby he’d be free to date and have sex with others, once they were “friends.”

Tell her to re-examine her attitude toward sex i.e. whether she intends to be a virgin till marriage, or was testing his commitment to her, etc.

Then she can be very clear with him and herself about her reasons, and together they can decide whether resuming a relationship is possible.

Q. I met a man from a completely different background, who’s 11 years younger than me, divorced, and has a young son.

I’m 49, in a winding-down marriage, and have a daughter finishing high school.

She feels the distancing from her stepfather, and is already tense about our moving again.

(I lived with another man for two years in between my marriages, and we left that house, too).

But now I feel positive and excited because this younger man loves me and wants to be part of our lives. I trust him. His upbringing was very family-oriented, and we both have worked hard to succeed in our careers.

My close friends have met and like him, but worry that the age difference will matter, and that each of us will find it hard to handle the other’s children, as they’re at such different life stages.

But we’ve known each other professionally for several years, and recently expressed our love and desire to be together.

I love his positive attitude, his humour, and constant caring toward me.

By contrast, my first husband was selfish, my next relationship was a rushed romance that fizzled in daylight, and my soon-to-be ex is controlling, demanding that everything be his way.

Can love, intelligence, and determination make this work?

A. Love can go a long way, but both of you have to be very sure that you aren’t just looking for a soft place to land.

Your daughter’s at an important age for affecting her own life choices. You want her to see you making the right one this time.

The age difference only matters if you let it.

If you worry about age — e.g. keeping up with women his age, or are given to jealousy, you’ll sabotage your trust in him.

Take time through the divorce process to let each of you get to know the other’s child well, and for you to know him and respect your differences a lot better, too.

Feedback: Regarding how to “move on” (March 2):

Reader — “I’ve been separated for three years, we’re in debt, I live in the basement.

“The only time my wife talked to me was telling me that I was leaving at month’s end.

“Did she ever care for me? Or did she care for our kids?

“I have no money. I give it to her to pay the bills and for the kids’ education.

“I tried to get back together, but there was no way.

“It’s also worse for her as she’s a failure because she couldn’t keep a family together, plus she’s a failure if she takes me back. “I’m lost.” Ellie — You’re understandably depressed, but need help to handle this change. Try to get some immediate support from family and friends.

If not available, see your doctor and/or a pastoral counsellor (free), or call a local distress-line to aid in finding you accommodation.