7 easy steps to make small talk

I had a very awkward encounter at a party recently.

I was chatting in a small circle, and a woman was lurking behind me, solo. It was kind of distracting. I wanted to be polite, so I invited her into the group to join our conversation. But I was met with an abrupt, “No thanks — I don’t feel like talking.”

Her honesty was out of place. But her frame of mind? I’m pretty sure it was a common one. Because who wants to make small talk, exactly? Almost no one. But almost everyone has to, and pretty regularly too — at a job interview, a networking event, when meeting your S.O.’s parents, a corporate social gathering, in a long elevator ride with a colleague.

So here’s how to tackle some of that inevitable small talk with ease (and like you mean it):

1. Smile!

Yep. The most important step is actually nonverbal. Nothing beats the power of a smile to make people warm up to you in an instant. Sometimes people are actually unaware of their very serious facial expressions. Smiling also gives other people (and you!) a boost.

2. Find common ground

Common ground doesn’t have to mean you and the other person are both black belts in karate. Common ground can be based on anything at all: being from the same town, the people you both happen to know, a love of “Serial” or “The Leftovers.” Even an appreciation of the food/drink/music present works well.

3. Ask open-ended questions

Engaging the other person always happens by asking questions, especially those that can’t be answered with a yes or no response. Questions such as “How did you two meet?” “How do you know Sally?” and “What are you doing this summer?” all open up easy, light dialogue.

4. Listen

Sounds simple, right? But it’s an oddly underutilized and highly impactful communication tool. Pay attention to what the other person is saying. Don’t check your watch or phone. Don’t let your gaze dart around the room, scoping out other people to talk to. And don’t just wait for the next opportunity to speak.

5. Loosen up

Our body language is even more important than what comes out of our mouths. Studies show that up to 93 per cent of how we communicate is interpreted non-verbally. So pull back those shoulders, lift up your chin, uncross your arms.

6. Keep it carefree

Small talk is not the time to share our darkest moments or debate the most recent national budget proposal. The art of conversational flow is the art of keeping a conversation going with upbeat energy and an optimistic undertone.

The point is not to outsmart the other person, to win an argument or to prove a point. Negativity repels, so avoid any topic that can go south quickly.

7. Exit with grace

Many of us dread small talk because we worry we’ll get stuck talking to someone boring with no way out. A solid strategy here is to use the phrase “I need” to excuse yourself — “I need to call my husband/say hi to the speaker/use the restroom/get a drink/food/fill in the blank.” To sweeten your exit, mention something you enjoyed about your conversation: “I really enjoyed speaking with you about skiing, Paul. I hope we’ll chat again soon.”

The next time the need for small talk arises, remember that the people around you probably aren’t crazy about it either. But it doesn’t have to be dull, awkward, or peppered with uncomfortable silences.