Think more carefully before next relationship

Q. I’m 23 and only had my first relationship recently. I wanted one badly since I’d only dated guys briefly. But after several months with my “boyfriend,” I was bored.

We didn’t have a lot to say to each other. And the sex wasn’t that good. So I called it off, saying I just wasn’t as ready as I thought for a relationship.

He then blamed me for pushing the relationship on him. Then he kept texting how he’s missing me. Now he’s acting like we’re still together and planning dates with me! How do I get the message across that we’ve broken up?

A. He’s following one of the familiar patterns in the ways people — especially those who are inexperienced — react when they’ve been dumped.

At least it’s a gentle reaction, rather than more negative patterns — shouting, threatening, spreading rumours, etc.

If there’s any sign of these, you’d need to end all contact. But also look at your own handling of this “relationship.” Next time, want one with a particular person, not just the idea.

Be sure the attraction is that person’s personality, interests, and the way he treats you. Sex is also better that way.

You still need a backup plan

Q. I’m 18 and fell in love with theatre at 15. Since then, I’ve been in a few community plays and can’t see myself doing anything else.

My parents are somewhat supportive but they still, understandably, want me to have a backup plan. They say that I’m very gifted at acting (so do cast members of plays I’m in), but they may just be biased.

Problem: I’m extremely negative. I tell myself, “It’s an unrealistic dream.”

I have a gut feeling that I’m meant to make it big. I think I’m pretty enough to be an actress but not drop-dead gorgeous. I’ve been told that I stand out from most people because I have natural red hair, big blue eyes, and a great personality.

But am I dreaming too big? Do I need to get realistic and just go to college for something that I could actually get a job in? Or, do I move to a big city, try to get noticed, and chase my dream?

A. Going to college is one of the best starts to achieving your dream. Theatre courses, school plays, joining a schoolbased drama club are all foundations to learning more about acting than just dreaming.

Few great actresses get there on the colour of their hair. They have similar passion for theatre, but they do not allow negativism to overwhelm their goal.

However, hanging out in a big city trying to “get noticed” also isn’t enough. It can bring out worse doubts and disappointments.

Acting skills improve with reading great plays and literature, knowing history, studying psychology to understand character, etc. College can provide much of this background. And a degree can also kick-start a marketable fallback plan towards related careers.

I’m getting better, but still a slob

Q. Eighteen years ago I was an immature, self-centred, controlling, uncivilized slob when I went on a dating site looking for love.

I found the “vilest” woman. Over time, she’s changed me into a mature, caring, uncontrolling, civilized slob. We broke up twice early on and got back together after I promised her I’d change.

So far, I’ve battled successfully to remain a slob, though even there I’ve softened. Is it too late for me?

P.S. I’m a mildly autistic adult who’s a tad offbeat.

A. If your purpose in writing was to show that “offbeat” humour and style plus willingness to adapt to a partner’s needs, can sustain a relationship, you’ve just succeeded. Congrats! You’ve also shown that autism can bring its own charm to a lover, and make a relationship (if not the “slob” aspect) more fun.