Every household needs a grocery hero
OUT THERE
Somehow I have become the alpha grocery shopper in our family.
I don’t know if I landed this important role because of my attention to detail. I will stand in front of a display for as long as it takes to find the best deal on anything. Pasta sauce, tuna, sliced pickles. Anything. Choosing the right brand or the right sale can make a big difference in the final bill. I could save enough to make a call at a pay phone or play a game of Space Invaders ... if I could find either of those things.
There are lots of factors that determine who is the household’s grocery shopping MVP. Maybe it’s my egg-spection skills. Probably not, though. Yes, I check my eggs before I put them in the cart. I don’t think I’ve ever bought a dozen eggs without popping open the lid to ensure all 12 of those ovoids are pristine. The trouble is this doesn’t make me a unique shopper. No one buys eggs without inspecting them first. You could be in a rush for whatever reason. You could get a text that says the entire store will self-destruct in 20 seconds and you need to grab a dozen eggs and run for the exit and you will still open that carton and make sure not one single egg has a crack or fracture of any kind.
We inspect eggs more closely than we inspect major purchases like shoes or cars. We don’t even get to try on underwear before we buy them and we have to live with those things every single day for 20 years or more. But eggs, arguably the greatest bargain in the entire grocery world, we will probe and poke as if they have something to prove to us before we’ll agree to take them home.
Maybe it’s my willingness to fight back against the product overload in the produce section. You know what I’m talking about here — when you see a sign that says “Seedless Grapes $2.49” and you grab a bag of seedless grapes and they ring up at the cash as $8.99. What the ... hooo boy ... now you panic and sweat a little. It was definitely not in your budget to knock the heck out of a 10-spot for grapes. You have to watch those signs. The price is in pounds and those nice bags of grapes can be two, three or more pounds. Not everyone is willing to take those grape bags and dump half of them out to get down under $5. I will do it. Cherries, too. Watch out for cherries.
Maybe it’s my dedication to the reusable bins and bags. I love these things, especially the bins. I could be a hero and say I’m a crusader for the environment and that I use bins instead of plastic shopping bags because I want to save the rainforest, polar ice caps or black-footed ferret. Nothing against the Earth, but I use the bins because I hate the bags. We have a bag holder and it’s over flowing. I don’t need more bags and I don’t want more bags.
Plus the bins make bringing in and putting away the groceries so much easier. It’s almost a joy. I will turn the car around and go home if I forget my bins.
I might be the designated shopper because I am committed to the points program. I never forget my points card. If I forgot my points card and bought groceries and didn’t collect points, it would absolutely ruin my day. I know I should feel blessed with my health and loving family and all that, but if I miss out on points I am going into a deep spiral. I keep a file of gas discount coupons in my wallet too. And I know when they expire.
I’m not perfect, though. Sometimes I put my groceries on the belt at the cash and for some reason — like the person in front of me only had one item or something — they get transported way up to the cashier right in front of the person in front of me. This really bothers me for some reason. It’s not like they’re going to steal them but my groceries should be in front of me, not up there in front of some stranger.
I don’t know for sure what it is, but I do know that when my family is hungry and we need someone to get out there in the world to hunt down a supply of macaroni or almond milk or hummus, I am The Man.
I must be really good at what I do. I take pride in my work and my family values me greatly. Or they just really, really hate going to the grocery store. Hmm.