If I come out I’m afraid my parents will kick me out

Q. I’m a 21-year-old closeted gay male in a six-year relationship with a man, though still living with my parents.

I’m out to friends and some extended family; but my immediate family, including parents, are unaware of this integral aspect of my life.

I’m extremely involved with his family, and it pains me that he doesn’t, and won’t ever, have that relationship with my family.

My parents are extremely religious and homophobic. I’d be kicked out and ostracized.

My goal is to get a full-time job in my field and move out when I can afford it. However, as a recent graduate, I have a lot of student debt that I’m currently paying back to my parents, interest-free.

The duplicity has begun to diminish my happy-go-lucky character, and I’ve been struggling with constant anxiety and depression.

I don’t know whether to come out and take a huge financial hit, or stick to my plan of coming out after I finish paying my parents the $15,000 I owe. What’s your thought?

A. You’re very capable of relying on your own thoughts.

You entered into a committed relationship at 15, knowing the risk you were taking with your parents’ approval.

The relationship’s lasted, you’ve stayed with your education, and have clear goals.

If you ask several people their thoughts, you’ll get as many answers.

Examples: 1) You needed your parents’ financial help, why rock the boat?

2) You’re living with your parents while disrespecting their values, speak up and acknowledge who you are.

Along with being a gay male, another man’s partner, a student, you’re also their son.

Make a choice about coming out to them based on what you can live with, doing the least harm to the fewest people you care about and who care about you.

I dislike the sex

Q. I’m three years into a relationship with one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. He ticks the check list off in full. However, I dislike the sex.

I receive zero sexual gratification with him.

I’ve tried to show him what gets me going, but he has no technique whatsoever.

He’s not well equipped and refused to perform oral on me but is over-eager to receive it.

He gets offended when I suggest he try this or that. The topic has become difficult for me.

I do love him and truly want him in my life, and I know it’s mutual.

When I think of him as a partner it’s all “aaahhh”... but when I think about the sex .... well, it’s “ewww.”

A. After three years, you’ve clearly separated the man from the intimate act. That’s accommodation.

Three years from now, it may well be divisive.

Your “crossroads” isn’t just about leaving or staying, there are other possibilities.

You can rely on self-pleasuring for sexual release.

You could read sex manuals together to improve his technique. He could see a sex therapist about his aversion to some sexual acts.

You could both agree to your having an outside lover. Or you could decide on your own to cheat. Meanwhile, you say you love the guy. Be honest with him and say how crucial it is that you work together on improving your sexual relationship, with gratification for both of you.

Say that you need to learn together how to excite each other and feel more connected sexually.

If he’s unwilling or it doesn’t work, and you don’t want to manage sex/cheat on your own, your crossroads will eventually lead away from him.