Stupid hat, check. Vodka, check. Book, check. Let’s go!

Here is a comprehensive list of things I need for an enjoyable vacation. 1. A stupid hat. 2. A bottle of premium vodka 3. A good book. (Not necessarily in that order.) Unfortunately, my summer respite is made less respiteful by the inclusion of other people — namely, my family — and their criteria for a quality holiday are infinitely more complex. Our road trips are not quite Hannibal crossing the Alps — he gets style points for using elephants instead of a family truckster — but there better be Wi-Fi when we get there.

Connection to the outside world is the single biggest bone of contention when it comes to choosing a family vacation spot. While I would prefer a location where cell service is exceedingly, perhaps intentionally spotty, my children seemingly require a high speed link to their social media accounts, YouTube and Netflix at all times. Apparently, they will die without PewDiePie.

Getting there, as Hannibal would tell you, is half the battle. Whether it’s a road trip or a creditcard-crushing plane ride, at some point my digitally-dependent progeny are going to be without the interwebs. And so I spend days leading up to the trip buying and downloading entertainment, then loading it onto the 372 electronic devices we are bringing with us. After all that, my kids usually just sleep in the car.

My wife couldn’t give a crap about Wi-Fi, but most of the places that meet her standards have it, anyway. She’s not a snob by any means but she no longer has the desire to rough it, slum it or take any chances whatsoever regarding the quality of the accommodations. Not coincidentally, I’m no longer in charge of booking trips.

There are, however, things I refuse to compromise on. I require a vacation hat, preferably made of straw and with a high embarrassment factor: I want my children hiding behind their iPhones when we walk down the street. Shaving is out of the question, showering only moderately less so.

I also need a brand of vodka that does not come in a plastic container and a trashy paperback novel so that the prefect vacation trifecta can be achieved: the empty glass, hat down on eyes, paperback rested gently on chest.

There are other nice-to-haves. Proximity to water is preferable. A firepit is enjoyable. A place nearby to toodle around on a lazy afternoon when all that relaxing gets a little tedious.

And as much as I hate to admit it, a little Wi-Fi doesn’t hurt. It allows the kids to entertain themselves while I get down to the serious business of vodka sampling and Elmore Leonard novels.

Plus, it’s always nice to shop online for hats.