$1,300 iPhone? That’s a lot of peanut butter!

I just opened a new, fresh jar of all-natural peanut butter and when I unscrewed the plastic cap I noticed some writing on the foil seal thing. The writing says “Sealed for Freshness.”

I’ve never paid attention to this label before but I looked at it and wondered: who is the target audience of this messaging? Why do the peanut butter people feel the need to explain this? Are they being defensive? What else would my peanut butter be sealed for?

I suppose “Sealed for Freshness” sounds better than “Sealed to prevent random shoppers from dunking their fingers, pretzels, celery stalks or whatever into your peanut butter while it’s still on the store shelf.”

I wondered if the Sealed for Freshness label was a subtle explanation to people who think they purchased a defective jar because they took the cap off but still can’t get at the peanut butter inside. “What is this force shield? Ah, oh, I see. It says ‘Sealed for Freshness,’ so it must be an adhesive barrier of some kind that I have to remove. Grab my cordless drill. No, wait, don’t grab my drill. That’s crazy talk. Grab my blow torch.”

And it does take a blow torch, or maybe a sand blaster, to fully remove that freshness seal. I always start by carefully picking the edges looking for a solid piece of the seal to pull on. Every single time, I pull and I hope that this will be the time the seal comes off in one solid, complete piece. And every time, that first rip tears a little triangular hole in the seal and I have no choice but to get my fingers right in there to try to pry the rest of the seal off. The task is complicated further by the separated peanut oil on my fingers. Spillage often ensues and the final result always looks like an actual squirrel attacked my peanut butter jar.

All of this leads me to ask an important question. If we have this much trouble operating a peanut butter jar — even with helpful hints like “Sealed for Freshness” — how the heck have we gotten to a point where we now have access to a $1,300 iPhone X?

Apple unveiled its new line of iphones on Tuesday — including the iPhone 8 and iPhone 8 Plus and the super special spectacular iPhone X (which Apple says is pronounced “ten” with absolutely no regard or apology to the completely devastated, horrifically bypassed iPhone 9).

I can’t see myself owning an iPhone X any time soon. I don’t need the newest gadgets. I have a friend who has likely already preordered one or pre-pre-ordered. He loves this Apple stuff and cherishes being among the first to own it ... even if it does cost $1,300.

He makes a case for the lavish expenditure. He doesn’t smoke or drink. He likes to spend his money on tech stuff.

Well, sure, I could quit beer and put the money toward a $1,300 phone, but that would take me like two months!

The first iPhone came out 10 years ago. Ten years! Before the iPhone and the rest of the smartphones that followed, I used to have to be face to face with my wife to see her roll her eyes at me. Now she can send me an eye roll emoji any time she feels I need one.

When the iPhone arrived 10 years ago, it was much, much more than a phone. We all thought we were so cool with our flip phones in our pockets, calling people from the road mostly just because we could and not because we had to. “Hey, honey, did you want me to buy white eggs or brown eggs? Just thought I’d call to confirm.” So cool.

As a powerful, tiny computer, the iPhone put the internet in our pockets and changed daily life. No more small talk in elevators. No more reading stupid newspapers. iphones have even cut into gum sales. True story, reported by recode.net. It shows gum sales have dropped over the iPhone’s 10 years and the theory behind this is that gum is a checkout impulse purchase. Since the iPhone and other smartphones arrived, we’re all too busy on our phones to gaze around while we’re in line and pick up things like gum or Cosmo.

So, what’s the new iPhone bringing to the game? Well, it has an A11 Bionic processor and Quad-LED True Tone flash and Bluetooth 5.0 and 12MP dual cameras.

Oh, and it has Animojis — animated emojis you can create, animate and control using Apple’s True Depth camera and face recognition.

Excited? No? It means you can make a cartoon poop with a face do your bidding.

$1,300, please.