Age, distance obstacles to relationship

Q . I met someone with whom I have a great connection emotionally, mentally and sexually.

He’s 30 years younger and lives 4,300 kilometres away from me.

What are the chances of a long-distance relationship lasting?

A. It’s both curious and charming that your first question is about the long-distance factor, not the age difference.

It shows that you believe it’s not an impossible obstacle. So, first, there are some distance issues to confront.

Generally, I’ve found that the longer a couple loses contact in person, the more uncertain one or both feels about the relationship. It requires a commitment of spending the time and money to periodically travel to each other. It requires staying long enough to reinforce intimacy, and build familiarity with each other’s locale and close people there.

With your age difference, the steps toward success are more personal, less predictable.

Example: An active 60-year-old may slow down at 70 … or not. A risk-taking 30-year-old may want children and a moresettled life at 40 … or not.

The important question beyond “what are the chances” is how much do you both want this relationship? What are you both willing to do to try and make it work? Think. Discuss. Decide.

Her ex seeks revenge by pursuing full custody of daughter

Q. I left my common-law partner of six years last January. We share a young daughter. I left because of my unhappiness in the relationship. I was depressed and tired of the verbal (and on extreme occasions, physical) abuse.

I’d made a very poor decision last year. An old “friend” had begun contacting me, and I partook in sexually-based conversations for a few weeks. I know it was wrong. I cut contact with this person and chose to not tell my partner rather than hurt him. But I soon realized I couldn’t stay together.

We’ve been OK in co-parenting our daughter by agreement. She’s happy, stays with her dad one or two nights weekly, the remainder with me.

Very recently my ex discovered my past actions and started legal threats to take full custody. He’s badmouthed me to people I worked with, and friends we once shared. He’s contacted my family members to turn them against me.

I live with regret and remorse, which I deserve. I had therapy to make sense of why I did it and to help with my depression. I’m a full-time student. My daughter and I live at my parents’ house. They adore her. I don’t want her father to take her from me.

A. You’re not the first woman or man to cheat when unhappy in a relationship, and then recognize that it’s the inner alert to move on. I’d say this same thing to a man or a woman: you cheated emotionally, and it’s come back to haunt you.

But a short-lived episode of sex-texting and/or phone sex — though deeply hurtful to your then-partner — does not make you a bad mother who should lose custody. However, a lawyer can easily harp on this behaviour on behalf of the girl’s father. He may want more time with her (which could happen even without this excuse).

Equalizing the joint custody schedule may be one solution. You need your own lawyer for this dispute — one who states that your ex’s badmouthing of his child’s mother over a brief lapse of good judgment, is not good parenting either. Nor is abuse.

He’s naturally upset. Apologize. Tell your family members you regret what you did, then deal with the legal custody matters, your child and your schooling. Ignore everything else.

Partner refuses to help out around the house

Q. I’ve been in a happy two-year relationship. My partner’s salary doubles mine, but we both work 40 to 50 hours weekly.

I do all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. He’s only cleaned twice without me crying/begging for help. He’s just lazy.

Is there any way to alter this behaviour? I’ve said we aren’t having children or getting a bigger place until he helps me around the house, but nothing’s changed.

A. You rightly resent your partner’s laziness and selfishness. That feeling can only worsen unless you’re one of the rare people who can keep loving someone who’s clearly taking advantage of you. That isn’t coming across here. If your timing for having kids and a bigger place is on the horizon, consider him your “starter” partner and plan your exit strategy.

Otherwise, stop being “Mommy.” Insist on shared cost of a cleaning service, and see if the “boy” can grow up as a real partner.