Putting it off until tomorrow can be tough

OUT THERE

Right now I’m doing something I like to call “synchronized procrastinating.”

Or maybe it’s simultaneous procrastination.

This is a real art form. You have to actively not want to do two different things at the same time.

This is different from not wanting to do “anything.” Anyone can feel like doing nothing. But to not want to do very specific things is quite a challenge.

I have some things I feel like I should do but I just don’t want to do those things in particular. I should go for a jog because I’ve been doing a fair bit of reclining lately. The line of where I stop and the couch starts is becoming quite blurred.

I should write this column, but I’ve been in front of a computer since I opened my eyes this morning and I kind of feel like doing just about anything else but write right now. Anything else except go for a jog. It’s a dilemma. I’m basically paralyzed. This is a physiological reaction to a lengthy to-do list. With too many options, my default is to think about everything I need to get done and then do absolutely anything except those things.

Procrastination can, in a weird way, end up being fairly productive.

For example, since I don’t want to write or jog, I took 15 minutes and completely organized a cupboard that has been stressing me out for six years. It’s chaotic. I don’t know if coffee cups reproduce but I pulled a baker’s dozen out of the cupboard that we don’t use. I don’t remember buying them and have no idea where they came from. Even with all those mugs now gone, the coffee cup shelf isn’t even close to empty. It now just looks kind of normal.

I removed two boxes of mugs, several jars (zero jar lids), a large Christmas cookie tin (zero cookies), three rolls of pennies, two drink coolies and a bottle of Spumante that I believe was purchased to ring in Y2K. That cupboard has gone from a source of extreme stress to a Zen garden.

I wasn’t done. In my flurry of procrastination, I also did a load of laundry and walked the dogs. I put the dishes away — the dishes that are always sitting out to dry on a mat beside the sink. We’ve had dishes on that mat for so long, it now looks weird with them gone. I have a naked countertop. It’s like looking at a guy who has shaved a beard off after 20 years.

I even fixed a horribly mangled and twisted toothpaste tube. It was awful. Someone was squeezing and twisting from the top, near the opening. I had to straighten it all out then I squeezed the contents from the bottom to the opening to smooth the creases. I know I’m describing this in way too much detail but I’m still procrastinating about writing an actual column.

Unfortunately, I’m being irresponsible. There are important things I should be writing about this week.

For example, our government is giving the food industry one year to eliminate partially hydrogenated oils from our food — and these oils are the main source of trans fats in our diet and trans fats are bad for our cholesterol levels. Partially hydrogenated oils are used in making pastries and other packaged goods to extend shelf life.

Oh, I know partially hydrogenated oils. I grew up on packaged foods. Microwave popcorn, Pop-Tarts, cookies, doughnuts … I could go on. And I will. Waffles, little mini frozen pizzas, chips, nacho chips, corn chips. I’ll stop now.

I’m a changed man now and usually I eat more natural foods like peanut butter where the oil and peanuts can’t keep it together.

I picked up a container of seasoning last time I was shopping and, for kicks, read the label. I thought it would have salt and maybe a little flavouring but it was loaded with all kinds of stuff I either couldn’t pronounce or couldn’t identify. How do I know that silicon dioxide isn’t a fancy name for “rat droppings?” I didn’t buy it.

This should be good news for those of us who eat food. No trans fats means better health and fewer reasons to get off the couch and go for a jog.