Interview with a real life grandma
Grandmas are the best, are they not? Always happy to see you. Always ready with a cookie or a pie or a crisp five dollar bill on your birthday.
I was talking to a grandma before the Thanksgiving weekend. Not my grandma. Just a grandma. She was telling me how “excited” she was about the holiday. I quickly realized she was writing a column for me about the secret lives, and thoughts, of grandmas.
“The kids and grandkids are coming over and we’re doing a big turkey,” she said. “It will be great.” Ah, grandmas. She went on. “That reminds me. I’m going to have to go get some crafts.”
That sounds nice. Grandmas are always thinking of fun things to do with the grandkids. We love grandmas.
“Drives me crazy. I don’t know what to do with them but I have to do something or all I’ll hear is, ‘Gram, I’m booooored.’”
Yes, I can see where that might be a problem.
“I’d tell them to go ask their mother to do some crafts with them but that’s a joke. When my kids come over with the grandkids it’s like they’re at the spa or something. Just pass them over and let Gram take care of the little ones. Put your feet up. Have a cold drink.”
Yes, I guess I never thought about how us parents can kind of take our own parents for granted.
“They get to the house and they just launch themselves at me. They’re all snotty and they lunge at me and they always have multicoloured nostrils from sniffing their smelly markers like a bunch of little miniature coke heads.
“It’s all I see. Snotty, rainbow coloured nostrils.”
Well, they do love their grandma and they do love a good craft project. Sounds like it could be fun.
“What the hell crafts do I do for Thanksgiving anyway? Trace your hand and turn it into a turkey. Whoop. I guess I could go out and get a bunch of @#&!ing gourds and some googly eyes. They can stick googly eyes on the gourds. That could be, like, eight minutes of fun.” This grandma was on fire. “Oh yes, they’ll be happy until the googly eyes start falling off because glue sticks aren’t worth a @#&!. Have you ever tried to glue something with a glue stick? Useless. Might as well just lick the googly eyes and stick them on. They’ll stay stuck just as long.” Maybe crafts aren’t the best idea? “Yeah, it doesn’t matter what I get them for crafts. I end up having to do all the work anyway. Graaam, my googly eyes won’t stick. Graaaam, I don’t know where to put the eyes. Graaam, I ate my glue stick. Fine just give me the gourd, give me the googly eyes and give me the damn glue stick! I’ll do it!” Maybe just settle in and watch a movie? “Yes, we can just put a movie on. Please, oh, please berate me for not remembering which @#&!-ing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle wears which @#&!-ing coloured mask.”
I guess Thanksgiving can be a challenge. But Halloween is coming and that must be a much easier for crafts and activities.
“Oh yeah, let’s carve a pumpkin, little darlings. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! So they’re all gung ho to carve a pumpkin until I tell them they have to take the guts out first. Then they’re all like, ‘Ewwww. You do it Gram.’ So there’s me and Grandpa pulling the guts out while those kids just sniff their markers and watch their shows. Did you know some people actually take the pumpkin seeds out of the guts and roast them and eat them? Like, are you kidding me? Who does that? I don’t know why you’d want to eat a pumpkin seed but if you do, you can always buy them.”
OK, Halloween clearly strikes a nerve. But Christmas is coming. No need for comment yet, Grandma.