Yearning for co-worker she turned down

Q . I wrote you several months ago about wanting to express my feelings for a co-worker.

My husband and I are now moving across the country and my friend/coworker expressed recently that he used to have feelings for me.

I didn’t bring this up first; he initiated the conversation.

It seemed that he’d made a choice not to tell me about those feelings because he was in a relationship, and also considered our job a career. It sounded like he didn’t want to take a risk potentially compromising his career if we didn’t work out. I told him that I had feelings for him, also in the past, but realized too late.

Now I’m tempted to ask if he still has those feelings, as I do.

I’d never have an affair. However, don’t we all deserve our best chance?

How does one choose a path here? He may choose for me by saying that he wants to continue with his wife.

But I feel like I can’t make the same mistake twice and hide my feelings.

A. When you previously wrote me, you said that you still loved your husband.

You also said that your co-worker had been flirty with you from first meeting five years earlier, when you were single and he had a girlfriend whom he since married.

In my response last April 20, I warned against an affair, and suggested your feelings were more about fantasy than driving passion, since neither of you took it further.

I wrote then, “You may need more in your (current) relationship — of appreciation, affection, sex, laughter. Work on making those things happen before you risk not having a chance to try.”

Now, six months later, on the brink of moving away with your husband, you do not mention loving him, and yearn for your “best chance.”

Your co-worker’s not seizing any chance. He’s still being “flirty,” with an offhand remark. He’s no risk-taker, neither in his job nor his relationship. He just likes the fun of seeing your response.

Instead of asking about his feelings, take a closer look at your own regarding your marriage. Maybe, as you hint, it’s not the “best” you can have.

Instead of lighting a fire that can burn you, talk to a counsellor, on your own, to explore what’s missing at home.

You say you don’t want an affair. But you’re headed for years of restless dissatisfaction unless you confront your true feelings about your life.

Feeling out of sync after digital glitch

Q. I accidentally synced my personal phone calendar to the public school calendar where I work.

My principal emailed me that staff, students, and parents could see my calendar events.

I had appointments for very personal issues.

I’m due to return from maternity leave next year. I can’t go back. I can’t stop thinking about what everyone must think. I want to crawl in a hole and never come out.

A. Now “everyone” knows that you’re a real person with real issues … just like them.

But, like this column, you’ll swiftly be yesterday’s news. Some world leaders and overhyped celebrities will immediately make much more serious mistakes, both online and in person.

Your closest people will commiserate with you. The gossip-lovers will flock elsewhere. By the time you return to work, you’ll have been immersed in the love of your new baby long enough to realize that those who pry about your issues were never true friends, or have similar issues themselves.

Hold your head high.

Getting help for friend with body image disorder

Q. My friend, who’s 13, suffers from body dysmorphic disorder.

I think she needs more help than from a friend.

Her mother knows about it but has done nothing.

How can I persuade my friend to see a therapist or should I let her mother handle it?

A. Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is an anxiety disorder related to body image, commonly starting in adolescents and teens.

Diagnosis is essential so she can be treated. Her mother may feel she’ll outgrow it, but it can create obsessive worry about perceived body flaws (though not visible to others or slight). It can lead to great emotional stress, and difficulty with everyday activity.

Tell her to ask her mother and/or her doctor for help. If she has BDD, a mental health professional can help her live the normal life she deserves.