Dear Santa, can you help a guy out this Christmas?

Dear Santa: I know I haven’t written in a while and I’m probably still on the naughty list for any number of activities and conduct between the ages of 12 and 25 so I won’t insult you by asking for a bunch of presents this Christmas. But I am wondering if I give you a list of things I DON’T want, if you can make that happen. Or not happen, as it were.

Think of it as an anti-Christmas list. First of all, don’t let anybody buy me clothes. As someone comfortably ensconced in my forties, I have become very particular about the fit, fabric and style (or lack thereof) of my garments. I won’t wear novelty Tshirts, ugly Christmas sweaters, or socks that don’t have the right percentage of merino wool. Like I said, I’m a fussypants. Honestly, we should probably cut back on the booze gifts as well. This has been the go-to for pretty much anyone feeling obligated to buy me something for the better part of a decade and while I’m always appreciative, a little moderation this holiday season is probably in order.

Same with food: I’m plenty fat already.

Also out: anything with a fragrance. As you probably know, when you rock a beard – as I have for the past year or so – it sometimes inspires others to foist upon you all manner of oils, balms, creams and other such things. Sometimes people buy me soap, which I try not to take personally. But, again, because I’m increasingly old and crotchety, I can only use products that have been carefully selected after much trial and error: I’ve worked very hard to smell this bad.

Please, please, please don’t make me try new things. While I understand that hot yoga is all the rage these days, a gift certificate imploring me to try it is just going to get me bent out of shape. Same thing with the clairvoyant: the only thing I know for sure about my future is that it does not include a visit with one. In fact, gift cards of any kind are a bit of a crap shoot. While I appreciate the idea, I inevitably engage in some weird justification math that sees me spend twice as much as the amount on the card. In other words, it’s a gift that ends up costing me money which isn’t really a gift at all. So if clothes, booze, food, personal grooming products and gift cards are out, what exactly is left, you might ask? Well Santa, a nudge onto that nice list after all the years wouldn’t hurt. I promise to celebrate with a drink while wearing my new fuzzy socks and combing my beard with the new brush I bought with a gift card. Thanks, Drew