THIS OLD THING

SUBURBAN CHRONICLES Longing for the days when my kids were susceptible to subtle persuasion

Remember that scene from the original “Star Wars” where ObiWan Kenobi used the Jedi Mind Trick to convince the stormtroopers that “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for”?

When my kids were little, I would use my terrible powers of persuasion to accomplish similarly amazing things at Christmas.

Each year, my daughters would compose letters to Santa Claus. They would begin, as per the standard format, with something of a nose-stretcher: “Dear Santa: We have been good girls this year.” Well, sorta. Aside from having to be asked about six billion times to do anything, my children were pretty well behaved with exceedingly few full-on public meltdowns at the supermarket. Nonetheless, I usually suggested that perhaps Santa would appreciate it if they pledged good behaviour for the next year as well.

Of course, when toys are so close you can touch them, children will do and say just about anything.

And thus the line was amended to read: “Dear Santa: we have been good girls this year, and will be extra good next year and do whatever mommy and daddy ask us to do.”

That concession made, we moved on to the list itself. And that’s where I went full Obi-Wan.

They would pause, their minds running through each of the 17,548 TV commercials they’d seen for kids’ toys over the previous few weeks.

And I would say “What about ...” followed by an item that we had already purchased.

There were a few items they proposed that we were unprepared for, however.

I shot those down, Obi-style.

Drew: Are you sure you want that? Daughters: Well ... Drew: Don’t you want (insert toy hidden in toilet tank here) instead? Daughters: Yeah !!!!!! This subtle insertion of ideas worked so well, item after item, that the letter to Santa and my Visa statement looked almost identical.

I did find the limitation of my Jedi powers, however, when I implanted an Xbox 360 game console into my daughters’ little brains and then used the Santa letter as justification to my wife. “But honey, it’s on their list ...” Therein lies the most important lesson I learned about the Jedi Mind Trick, the one they don’t show you in the Star Wars movies: Obi-Wan never tried it on his wife.

These days, my kids seem fully immune to my powers, as well. First, there are no more letters and certainly no commitments to good behaviour. Instead, they ask for outrageously expensive things and I begin hyperventilating like some pathetic, wheezing Vader.

“I don’t think we can do that but I’ll try,” is my standard response.

And that’s when it’s clear that my kids were trained too well and have become Jedi masters themselves: they are Christmas Yoda.

“Do or do not, Santa. There is no try.”