Still time to be a Christmas hero if you just heed my wise words

OK, OK, OK, remember last week when I said we were into peak Christmas mayhem season? And that if you were procrastinating like me, you were in serious trouble and you better get your act together, like, real quick? Well, I was lying. Today is peak Christmas mayhem season. Last week there was still time to put your feet up, enjoy a refreshing nog-based beverage and chill. It was not advisable, but timing-wise you could have slept through last Saturday and still had time to do what you need to do to make sure this Christmas is a magical one.

If you let today slide by, there is no tomorrow. There is absolutely no way you can kick back and relax today. Or is there?

Well, Santa Chuck just might have your back. Let’s suppose you haven’t been out to the shops and have yet to find perfect gifts for those special someones. And let’s suppose you missed the deadline for online shopping and shipping, and if you try to order some Christmas jammies or slippers right now, you’ll be lucky if you get them by Epiphany (that’s Jan. 6; Google if you want).

You are not out of the game yet. You still have options. They may not work for every person in every situation, but one of these techniques might just save Christmas.

First, there is the classic regift. Regifting is the practice of giving as a gift something which you had previously received as a gift. It sounds dirty, but we all do it. Those of us who are good at it just do it particularly well.

For example, the classic regift disaster would be to give someone a regift and have them recognize it as something they previously gave you. The worst regift scenario (pronounced “ske-nario” by a guy I know named Jim) is to have someone tear into a gift you got them then say: “Gee, thanks for the You Don’t Have to be Crazy to Work Here But it Helps mug, but I gave this to you last Christmas.”

A good regift is generic, thoughtless and not memorable in any way. It’s not personal or heartwarming or a symbol of your affection or admiration. A good regift item is a bottle of wine, a box of candy or, the greatest regift of all, a gift card. Gift cards are ideal because there is no way someone can prove it’s a regift. Plus, we all know that most gift cards go unused. We stick them in a drawer, wallet or purse. Four months later we drive through Harvey’s and think, “Aw, man. I think I had a gift card for this.”

If you get a gift card for a gift, think of it as money in the bank and pass it along as soon as you get a chance. I was about to do this last weekend when I needed a gift for my nephew. I had a Chapters gift card sitting on my desk since the summer and I was ready to tuck it into a card and share the wealth. Luckily, I actually looked at the Chapters card to see that it said, “Happy Father’s Day” on it. I cursed my mother for giving me such a specific, non re-giftable card, and I was forced into gifting my nephew some cold, hard cash. It was painful for me but I had no choice.

If your principles forbid you from regifting, there is another option for last minute shopping. I found a place that’s better than Santa’s workshop. It’s called — the gas station. And not just any gas station. You have to go to one of those deluxe tourist centre, truck-stop type of gas stations. I am telling you, you can find anything at these places.

I was on the road last weekend and stopped at one of these spots. It was packed — and why not? It’s a shopper’s dream. They have gum and beef jerky and egg salad sandwiches, but they also have much more. They have hats, belt buckles, batteries and fireworks. And there was a guy in line ahead of me and he was buying a walking stick. A walking stick!

I couldn’t get over it. It was the only thing he was buying. It wasn’t like he went in for smokes and saw walking sticks and thought, “Might as well.” So I had to wonder. Did he tell his wife, “Hey, I have to go to the gas station for one of those, um …. “Big Gulps?” “Nope.” “Hotdogs?” “No.” “Walking stick?” “Yes! That’s what I need.”

How did he even know they sold walking sticks? Why were they selling walking sticks? So many questions. But at least the biggest question of all now has an answer.

What am I going to get whoever for Christmas? A walking stick.