Money matters cause rift among family members
Q: I’m 63, divorced with no children. My brother’s single, no kids, my sister’s married with one adult child working, the other in university. My father has dementia and lives in a longterm care home.
My mother, who died two years ago, was generous. She’d always slip me $50 when I visited. She also gave money to my sister and her grandchildren. I’m unsure about my brother.
Upon her death, my sister was legally given control of my parents’ money. My brother and I trusted her.
A year later, my father, who was incompetent due to dementia, innocently told me he gave his grandson money for university.
Since my sister had control of his finances, I wondered how much “he” gave.
I asked my sister, and learned she took $2,000 from our father’s account without telling my brother and me.
She wasn’t planning to volunteer that information. Her lack of transparency caused a major rift in our family.
At that time, she had sole control of my father’s finances. My brother and I feel she deceived us.
Legally, she didn’t have to consult us, but ethically and morally, yes, she did. She believes she did nothing wrong. I believe she owes us an apology. I’m finding it difficult to forgive or trust her without it.
It’s how she took the money that matters, not the amount.
We’ve tried to mend fences. She said we should “agree to disagree” and move forward. I can’t without an apology. I need more time to get over her cheating.
Am I being stubborn? Should I “agree to disagree?”
She has finally realized that two siblings should share control of my dad’s money.
I didn’t want the responsibility, but she refused to work with my brother. He had my father officially declared incompetent over a year ago.
None of us socialize together. The holidays were very lonely.
You’ve already moved forward by becoming a partner regarding financial control.
Yes, your sister came up with that unfortunate and wrong solution for how to pay her son’s tuition and she should’ve apologized.
I suspect she knows this now. But she’s clearly embarrassed by what she did, even if it was legal.
The new regime of you two managing the money should be the bridge back to normal relations.
Stay involved on all financial discussions and you’ll soon renew trust.
Make a 2018-fresh gesture — invite both siblings to join you and visit your father together. Reader’s commentary on sexual assault (Nov. 29):
“This is to the young man who’s suspicious because his girlfriend didn’t contact him the night she was sexually assaulted.
“Our 22-year old daughter lives at home while attending university.
“As an adult, she’s autonomous in her comings and goings and what she does. However, we’ve always insisted that she contact us when coming home, regardless of the time, so that we have a timeline if something goes wrong.
“The night she didn’t contact us then stumbled in at 5 a.m. was so unusual that we arose to investigate.
“Our lovely daughter had been the victim of a date-rape drug.
“The only memory she has of that night is of being unable to find home and getting so lost she needed to Google how to get home.
“These drugs remove inhibitions and erase memory.
“Your girlfriend is already a victim. Don’t further victimize her by faulting her for not calling or texting. She very likely was completely unable to do so.
“She needs reassurance, not judgment.”