Resolutions are bad for your back

I was feeling very “New Year, New Me” this morning.

I’m not a big resolution person and not because I’m perfect but more because when it comes to self-improvement, I don’t know where to start. It’s easier for the rest of the world to just adapt to me than it would be for me to change.

So, I’m not calling it a resolution but I will call it a goal. I have a goal to be a slightly better morning person. I hate mornings. I could hit snooze for hours. I don’t know why I said “could” there. I do hit snooze for hours.

I basically never wake up with a “let’s take on this world” excitement. I only actively and anxiously crawl out of bed if I’m a) hungry or b) going golfing. And when I say “hungry” I mean my stomach has to be eating itself AND I need to be able to visualize something delicious that I am going to make for breakfast. Bacon in the fridge? Rumble in the tumbly? Let’s take on this world. And maybe go back to bed after eating.

On my first day back to reality in 2018 — after more than a week of staying up too late, sleeping in too late and eating like a raccoon — I got up early-ish. My backfrom-the-holidays goal was to start getting up at 6 a.m., do a little exercise, enjoy a leisurely breakfast, check the stocks, remember that I do not know anything about stocks, shower, dress, arrive at the office early, act smug the rest of the day.

I got up decidedly later than planned but with a better attitude than I had in 2017. I left myself ample time to shower, dress, eat, feed my dogs, take out the garbage and get to the office. I wasn’t first to arrive but I wasn’t last, so I spent the morning feeling moderately smug.

I am also hoping that my early-ish to rise attitude will make me a more energetic and organized person. And it’s been working! This morning I was getting things done. I was taking care of business. I was working smarter, not harder. I was setting them up and knocking them down. I was walking on sunshine.

With momentum on my side, I also took delivery of my new 2018 daily planner and desk calendar. How cool is that? A couple of nice blank canvases just waiting to assist me. These beautiful blank pages were about to become a road map to a successful new year.

After knocking off a few more tasks, my to-do list was quickly becoming a to-done list. Bam. (Also on my to-done list, copyrighting and trademarking the term “todone list.”)

I was truly having a good, productive, positive morning. I pretended to be interested when people told me how their holidays were. I listened to a podcast about personal budgeting. I ignored it but I listened to it. I ate fruit for the first time in nine days.

I was feeling so good that when a coworker needed help moving some heavy boxes, I didn’t fake an illness or say “I’ll do it tomorrow” knowing full well I would not be in the office tomorrow. I took the challenge. I found a little wheeled cart and I started moving heavy boxes.

Uh oh. Oh. Something did not feel good there. Oh no. Oh. My back. Yes, I did something to my aging self. I didn’t stretch or warm up before lifting boxes because that’s just not something I ever had to do before.

Sitting at my desk typing right now is only uncomfortable if you think having a boning knife jabbed in your lower back would be uncomfortable. It has had an immediate impact on my mood and my attitude and undone everything I had built over the first four hours of my 2018 work life. I went from Tony Robbins to Lloyd Christmas in 30 seconds.

I haven’t felt back pain like this since the time I sneezed and pivoted in my chair at the same time. That was a bad one.

I have retreated to my desk and tried to have some lunch. Even opening the Tupperware caused a jolt of pain. Sitting hurts. Standing hurts. Lying on the floor in the middle of the office in a fetal position hurts. I don’t know what else to do.

Maybe it will sort itself out. Maybe it’s a mere tweak or a kink and it will feel better as the day goes on.

Or maybe I’m still going to feel like this, or worse, in the morning. If I do, I’m afraid I may never get out of bed.