Time’s up for all abusers
Reader’s Commentary: A woman who experienced violence from her ex-partner, responds to a writer who’s been threatened by her husband (Jan. 8):
Reader #1 — “The husband who’s watching his family members’ every move may be suffering from a mental illness or showing signs of early dementia. However, the fact that he’s threatened her life twice increases the danger of sudden violence that could kill her.
“I know personally that continuing to accept this kind of behaviour is dangerous. There weren’t any warning verbal threats before the man living with me suddenly spun me around to face him, grabbed my neck with both hands, and bent me backwards so I was unable to break his hold. He was gradually cutting off my air supply until I was able to talk him out of a delusion that I was someone else.
“I left my own home as soon as I could, only returning with a police escort to try to take out belongings that he was likely to destroy. At a future date, I evicted him by email notice on a new account set up for that purpose. His continuing attempts to contact me were resolved by blocking his phone number. When I moved, he turned up once at my new home and pounded on my door repeatedly. I hid in my bedroom and was ready to phone the police. Unable to see anyone in the home, he went away.
“This woman needs to know that the three magic words to get police help fast when calling 911 the next time he’s physically or verbally abusive are, “I feel threatened. Police arrive quickly and will offer to take the offender out. They will offer to have a restraining order arranged. This leaves the children (if any at home) with her.
“I would urge her to get a cellphone app which, once the button is pressed, will bring police automatically.
“I’d encourage her to photograph all the cameras he’s installed anywhere (in her house and car) with the date stamp on her camera set to show the date, and send these via email attachment to her sister or a trusted friend.
“Any true friend will want to assist her to have a safe place with her children. If she can find a place where there isn’t a camera, she can start stashing necessities to take with her. Reusable grocery bags make good hiding storage. She should also change her car’s license plates.
“If there are school-age children, the school(s) should be notified that they’re not to be taken out or picked up from school without the written permission from their mother or a trusted person to whom she’s given written authorization.
“Children should not be left alone unsupervised with the father. If he senses any attempt by her to remove them, he might just take off with them without notice. “Time’s up for all abusers.”
Ellie: This reader’s sharing of her own dramatic and dangerous assault brings out important details for those who fear and need to get away from potential violence.
Though the writer’s husband made his threats against her over 30 years, the reader’s commentary highlights the unpredictability of an attack from someone who’s increasingly combative and distrustful.
Anyone involved in a situation of increasing controls, accusations, bullying, and threats, needs to know and consider taking these steps to making a safe exit from harm.
Come clean on affairs
Q. I met a female friend through my boyfriend before we started dating. She told me that several years ago while he was married they had an affair when he was in town for a family event. I’d asked him before we became official if he had affairs/anything in his past I needed to know. He said No. I’m upset because I’m not sure he ever would have told me about this. I don’t know how I should feel or how to handle the situation.
A. He should’ve told you. He was clueless about women and their openness. However, it’s also curious why she told you. Ask her. If it’s a warning that you can’t trust him, consider it carefully. If you feel secure with him, this was not when you were a couple. Still, confront him.
Otherwise, this news and his hiding it will keep haunting you and affect your relationship plus the friendship.