Online chat broke her trust
Q. I’m a woman who recently visited my boyfriend and saw emails of his dating-site postings seeking men. I panicked. When confronted, he admitted that he’s bisexual, but never met these men, just talked sexually with them online.
He believed it wasn’t cheating and considered it like watching porn. I explained that his hiding it from me meant he knew it was wrong. He said he was ashamed of talking with other men and nobody knew he was attracted to both genders. I assured him that being bisexual is nothing to be ashamed of, but talking sexually with others while in a serious relationship is wrong. He then realized it was a form of cheating. He cried, saying he never meant to hurt me and would never do it again.
When initially dating, we’d shared sexual histories and he’d said he had experimented with a man once. I accepted that. Sexual experimentation when you’re single is healthy.
I now asked if he wanted to be with a man or try it. He said he’s never wanted a relationship with one, it was strictly sexual.
I needed space. Through research, I found a large percentage of people don’t believe online chatting is a form of cheating, though I believe it is.
My boyfriend has treated me better than anyone I’ve ever met. Yet I broke up with him because I didn’t know how we could move past this. I’m not sure how to build trust again. Also, we live long-distance. Yet I’m crushed by my choice to break up.
I want to be with him, but unsure if I can be. Is it a bad idea to try again?
A. All relationships carry some risk. There are hidden aspects and private yearnings in almost everyone we know and love.
Your initial perception here was based on a black-and-white belief. He openly, honestly showed you the grey area in the definition of “cheating” — and your research bore him out.
He likes a little porn, doesn’t want a relationship with a man. Does that mean he’ll never experiment? Does your current love for him mean you’ll never fantasize about a different man? Who knows? You made a decision that hurts. Yes, try again. His “secret” is now open between you. Over the next while you’ll know whether you can live with it, or not.
Dating too soon
Q. My best friend passed away a year ago of ovarian cancer. She was ill for two years and the last six months were really bad. Three months after her death, her husband, who’d also been my friend, came to a dinner party with a “date.”
They were literally all over each other. I know he suffered greatly from his wife’s death, but I was offended on her behalf for his disrespect of her memory, so soon.
I can’t contact him, or get past this.
A. The spouse of someone who’s dying lives with terrible pain he/she can hardly express or avoid. Their losses of intimacy, companionship, hope, start as early as the diagnosis. Many widowed by cancer start dating again, at what seems “early” to others.
It has nothing to do with the partner’s memory. It’s about living his life. Your own loss is painful and, yes, he was insensitive to your feelings. But try to understand his.
Put yourself out there
Q. I’m a mom, 48, with children ages eight and 11.
After dating in my 20s and 30s with no lasting success, I had children on my own, through the same anonymous donor. I’d like to have a partner, but my young kids are apparently seen as a liability. I get no response on dating websites.
I’m fit, own my home and have a good career. Do I just try again in five years when my kids are older?
A. There are meetup.com groups for every interest. Find one or more that appeal. You may not immediately find a partner, but you’ll make new friends and communicate that you’re open to dating someone available.
Join other social, volunteer or community groups. Unlike dating sites which use defining labels — e.g. age of kids — personal contacts are about your personality and approachability. Start now.