Google guru has all the right questions

I might just be a Google Master, a Google White Wizard or even a Five Star Google General. If there was an Infinity Stone for Googling, I would wield it.

Need proof ? I didn’t know what an Infinity Stone was until I Googled Infinity War to find out what all this Avengers fuss is about.

Back in the old days, BG (Before Google) you had to actually know stuff in order for people to think you knew stuff. Now, you just have to know how to find out stuff and people who have not yet mastered this skill will still think you know a lot of stuff. Yes, anyone can Google but some of us are better Googlers than others.

Here is some evidence. The other day when my wife wanted to know where to find the number for a certain TV station, I told her to Google it. I had to be her Google Guide. Google, “Where do I find the channel number for (network that isn’t paying me for a mention in this column) on (TV service provider that not only isn’t paying me for a mention in this column but also charges me way too much for too many channels I don’t even want or need. Am I right?).

When I told her exactly how to talk to Google, I could see the light go on. Maybe I am a Google Warrior. Now, I would never open the book on my Google search history because I feel like that would be the same as a magician revealing how he does his tricks and, well, never mind, let’s move on. Here’s some Google Genius for you. I have recently become an expert on such topics as:

How do I cut broccoli?

Should I shave my shoulders?

Is “The Walking Dead” just getting kind of stupid?

Oh, before you Google too hard, a quick caution. While Google is extremely good at presenting a world of information, it is not a mind reader so Google with care. When my wiener dog, Eddie, contracted a skin condition last summer, I had to learn the hard way that “dachshund rash” returns far more pertinent results than “itchy wiener.”

What else can you Google? Well, Google recently showed me what style of glasses I should be wearing. All I had to do was enter “glasses that will make my fat face look less fat.” Boom. Google knows. The other day I wore shorts to the store and I threw on a pair of running shoes. When I got to the store, I looked down and wondered if I looked like a dork. I did! So I did a search for “men’s shoes to wear with shorts.” All kinds of ideas came back and none of them were my Plan A: running shoes; or Plan B: Crocs; or Plan C: different running shoes.

I would go shoe shopping to build up my wardrobe but ... while feeling broke after Christmas, I did some Googling on “how to budget” and now I don’t have money for shoes. While budgeting is responsible and rewarding, it also is very focused on things like mortgage payments, electricity and heat. If there is money left over, there’s food. Google taught me this.

I’ve mentioned my love-hate relationship with my fitness tracking watch — which counts my steps, or non-steps, and yells at me to “MOVE” several times a day. Last week I tried to remove the tiny little screws that hold the watch band in place so I could replace it with a way cooler band. I told myself repeatedly through the process not to drop the tiny, microscopic screw that holds the band in place. Then I dropped it. I heard, faintly, or maybe just sensed, that it hit the floor and bounced somewhere. While I spent a great deal of time on my stomach under the furniture with a headlamp on, I never found it.

So I Googled. I tried to find out what type of screw it was and where I could buy a replacement. No luck. But my Googling led me to the manufacturer’s contact page and when I explained my tragedy, they replied. Not only are they sending me a screw, they’re sending me an entire replacement band with the teeny, tiny screws and all.

Score! I am the Gretzky of Google!