Deciphering ‘kid code’ is an important skill

Words can mean something different and more nefarious

“Dad, I’m hungry.”

This is one many phrases I hear constantly from my two children that is actually in kid code.

A literal translation would indicate that one of my progeny requires food and therefore will take the necessary steps to meet that most basic of needs — both are old enough and perfectly capable of making themselves a decent meal or grabbing a snack out of our generally well-stocked fridge and pantry. But what they are really trying to convey is that they want me to make them something to eat or stop at the nearest drive-thru so they can fill their faces and empty my wallet.

This is just one example of words my children use that would appear to have a straightforward interpretation but in fact mean something very different — and usually more nefarious.

Here’s another: “Dad, do you have any cash?”

This is not an inquiry designed to ensure that I have coffee money to fulfil my caffeine habit. It’s a precursor to an inevitable shakedown that’s sure to conclude with them pocketing all my bills and decently-sized coins. Meanwhile, I’ll be looking under my car seats in a futile search for enough nickels and dimes for a small java.

I like this one, too: “Dad, what are we doing this weekend?”

This one usually comes from my 17-year-old and is not an interrogative in search of quality of time with family. Instead, it’s a sly way of asking if I have plans to use my car — which she now refers to as “our” — so she can get her hands on it. The only thing I know for sure I’ll be doing this weekend: riding my bike if I need to get around.

Some of them are tougher to decipher, like this one: “Dad, there’s something wrong with my phone.”

This could mean that either one of them has dropped their phone, submerged it in water, gone without charging it for an extended period or actually misplaced it. Perhaps they’ve downloaded something they shouldn’t have, or racked up charges at the app store or through in-game purchases.

But mostly likely this phrase is the opening salvo for a longwinded explanation of why their current phone is a piece of hot garbage that needs to be replaced, like, right now with something new, shiny and with a screen that isn’t cracked.

Like the hunger one, I get this one a lot: “Dad, I’m tired.”

While this is sometimes true, it most often a concerted effort to avoid doing any and all chores and other upcoming responsibilities including but not limited to dog-walking, dishwasher emptying, room cleaning and/or general tidying when the mess gets to mom-is-about-to-snap levels. It’s amazing how fast they perk up if something comes along that they actually want to do.

While most of my responses aren’t nearly as hard to figure out — mostly versions of the word “no” with the occasional burst of profanity thrown in — I also have a the perfect retort that works in almost any situation, regardless of meaning. And it cracks me up to boot.

“Dad, I’m hungry.”

“Hey hungry, I’m Dad.”

Drew Edwards is the father to two (mostly) children who really, really don’t like dad jokes. drew@drewedwards.ca.