B.C.’s feral peacocks offer perspective

My kid just complained to me that the play button on the PVR remote is not responsive enough.

When she’s fast-forwarding past the commercials on “The Bachelorette,” it takes too long to revert to normal speed and then she has to rewind and, well, it’s just a whole big thing.

She asked what the issue was with the remote and I started to answer, suggesting that it works better when you only fast forward at the slower speed and then I realized we were talking about kind of a non-issue.

I have many non-issues in my life. I take them very seriously.

Like walking down the sidewalk slightly, and only slightly, faster than the person walking in front of me. I have no idea how to properly handle this situation.

On a crowded sidewalk, it’s not such a big deal because it doesn’t feel like a oneon-one showdown. But when it’s just two of you walking along, what are you supposed to do? It’s a no-win.

Do you just pull out and pass and totally ignore this person with an eat-my-dust attitude even though your pace is just barely, almost imperceptibly faster than theirs? Depending on your commitment level, this can be a long play indeed. It gets very awkward when it takes a good 10, 12 seconds to get past the person and you spend that time walking alongside them but not really “with” them. Do you say “Hi?” Do you nod?

You could kick your pace up a gear and pass. I suspect this is the most common tactic. It’s risky though. You can hit the afterburners for a short burst of speed but you better hope you don’t pull a hammy. What else can you do?

You can slow down, but why should you suffer because that other person is content to slowly saunter to wherever it is they don’t seem to want to be going to? Why should you change your entire life for this person? How is this fair to you?

You could cross the street and try to completely avoid the situation. It probably works but again, you’re inconvenienced for doing nothing wrong.

I run these scenarios every time I walk. These minor issues are real to me.

And I’m one of the lucky ones. Issues like this are really, mostly, in my head. Some people have real issues to deal with. Serious issues.

In a place called Sullivan Heights in British Columbia, people are dealing with a far more weighty but much more madeup-sounding issue. Feral peacocks are attacking their Lexuses (Lexi?).

Now, I normally stay away from actual, intense news stories that have powerful impacts on people’s lives. But I could not live with myself if I didn’t tell you about the feral peacocks.

Why are these beautiful birds attacking innocent cars? It’s complicated. Scientifically speaking, these birds are hot to trot. They see themselves in the reflection of a shiny car and, much like us humans, they think, “Who are you, you beautiful hunk of love?”

Then they think, “I’m going to kill you. You are my competition.”

Not only are these amorous yet fight-y birds causing damage to vehicles, they are also being a general, all around nuisance. For a peacock, mating season means much more that strutting around showing off your colourful feathers. Any peacock can do that. To really stand out, these birds have decided to make some noise.

One resident was even fined for cutting down a tree that was a roost to 40-some randy, screeching, shrieking peacocks. Imagine having 40 Kenny Gs playing 40 saxophones outside your window all night except you can’t do anything about those Kenny Gs because they are protected by some kind of wildlife laws.

The tree cutter has no regrets. Fortunately for the residents of Sullivan Heights, mating season is a limited window. It only lasts from March to roughly October. Next time I panic over the pace of pedestrians in my vicinity, I will think of you, Sullivan Heighters. Your feral peacocks have given me something my life is missing: perspective.