Huge decision looming
Q. I’m 23, in a relationship with a man who’s 42. He’s never been married and has no children, but has said that he’d be open to doing both with me.
We’ve been on-off together for 18 months and it’s been extremely unstable. We’re both very insecure people.
He has a history of lying and cheating, while I tend to lash out aggressively when he upsets me.
We’ve been trying to change — both in individual therapy and in couples’ therapy.
Nobody wants us to be together. His family thinks I’m crazy and that my outbursts are too much, and my family thinks he’s a cheating sleaze-ball. But we keep reconciling because we do love one another.
We’d broken up yet again when I found out I was pregnant. He told me that he’d support me whatever I chose to do, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
Since I told him I was leaning toward keeping the baby, he’s continuously been berating me. He tells me what a mistake I’m making, that I’m ruining his life, and he’s even said that he might continue cheating on me since I’ll be “out of commission” after giving birth.
Eventually I break down crying, and he apologizes and says that he just needs time to absorb everything, but that we’ll try to work it out.
I’ve told him that if he doesn’t want to have this baby, I’ll do it alone with the help of my family, and that he doesn’t have to have any part in the baby’s life. That isn’t good enough for him. He wants me to terminate the pregnancy.
I want to believe that he’s just having a hard time accepting the news, but that he’ll come around, but what if he doesn’t? I don’t want my child to have a father that resents both him/her and me. But I also just can’t imagine not having this baby.
A. There’s a hugely important decision looming ahead very soon, so it’s good that you’re both in therapy sessions where you can discuss this.
Terminating a pregnancy draws deeply on both religious and political attitudes you each may hold, as well as the personal reactions you both bring to raising a child.
Make sure you know where each of you stands on these intensely emotional issues. His reaction, from your description, isn’t promising.
People who regularly have sex together should have some awareness that a pregnancy can happen, not threatening to cheat.
Your own tendency to lash out when upset is equally worrisome. There are plenty of occasions when raising a child — on your own or in a union — to get angry. Aggression will only make things worse.
If you do opt to be a single mom, it’ll be a big bonus if you can count on your family’s help. Seek their support. Most important, you’ll need to mature beyond accepting being “very insecure” and rise to the challenge of and being responsible for a newborn’s life.
Stop guessing whether the father will come around. He’s said he wants you to terminate the pregnancy.
If a few therapy sessions don’t show a marked change in his decision, the ultimate one is with you. It’s not about the father. It’s about the baby.
Letting go, moving on
Q. I was in a 30-month (unhealthy) relationship, but ended amicably.
Months later, both in new relationships, he messaged me angrily about something I’d posted on social media (unrelated to him). When I didn’t answer, he vaguely threatened me. I responded that it was unacceptable, and I’d block him.
He sent a long, nasty, hurtful message. I didn’t respond and haven’t heard from him since, nine months ago.
I’m still in my relationship, happier than ever. Yet, I’m still holding on to unexpressed anger since I didn’t respond to his message. How do I let this go so I can move on?
A. One sign of an unhealthy relationship is both partners’ need to have the last word.
Maybe that wasn’t evident between you two back then, but it’s there now.
It’s both competitive and passive aggressive. It can also escalate to dangerous. So, not responding was the smart move. A win, if you wish. Now, drop it.