The waiting game for Dad
Q. I haven’t seen my children — daughter, 27, son, 26 — in five years. My marriage ended badly. My kids sided with their mother and cut off all ties with me, my family and longtime family friends.
I’ve reached out several times and received nothing in return.
I endured 25 years of my then-wife’s emotional, mental and physical abuse and infantile behaviour, but my kids didn’t see this side of her.
I remained in the marriage because of them, not wanting to jeopardize their future.
I sought professional help, and the advice was always the same: My wife must get help or I must leave the marriage.
She refused, but I couldn’t break up my family back then.
My kids and family were the centre of my universe. I was a hands-on dad, very involved throughout their upbringing and always there for them with school and extracurricular activities.
Yet my kids didn’t attend my mother’s funeral last year. They did, however, accept an inheritance from her estate.
I’m concerned about their financial future. They’re my sole beneficiaries. But I’m not prepared to reward them for being cruel or insolent.
I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist and going to a support group to help deal with this, but it’s still painful. I miss my children.
My latest attempts to contact them via emails or texts resulted in them notifying security at their jobs and threatening to go to the police if I contacted them again.
My lawyer has advised to desist for fear of having trouble with the law. Your advice?
A. Stick with your psychiatrist and support group.
I’ve published your story because it reflects the many post-divorce parents who write me of being cut off by their adult children.
In each case, readers and I naturally only get one side. So it’s impossible for me to respond (as you may have wished) that everything you’ve done is exemplary, or that your ex did everything wrong and your children have been turned by her.
What’s clear, though, is that getting professional help to get on with your life is crucial. Focus on interests and activities that help you enjoy a healthy, positive lifestyle.
Your children are young adults with major experiences ahead of them. They may see things differently over time; they may not.
Sometimes children of divorce can’t deal with the pain of separation from a parent until they seek their own professional help.
They know where you are and how to reach you.
Invite yourself over
Q. My brother, his wife and their son, 22, are all anti-social.
They don’t invite anyone over to their lovely home. My brother blames his wife and son. But he’s always projected his problems on others.
I feel it must change. But he won’t accept that there’s a better way to live.
A. Try to be an example for his wife and son through gentle means: invite them to your place for a casual dinner (family only), send flowers for an occasion, or drop in for coffee and bring a pie.
Go slow and steady in creating small get-togethers. It’s worth a try.
Time to move on
Q. My sister and I are complete opposites. She’s 40 and I’m 45, and we’re still living with our loving and providing parents.
I’m sick and tired of her constantly criticizing me. My parents say that we’re adults, so just deal with it. What should I do?
A. You have wise parents, but perhaps they’re too loving, as it seems they haven’t encouraged their daughters’ independence from them.
Unless they physically need your presence in their home, or living alone is impossible for you two, you could consider living apart, each on your own.
Being opposites isn’t unusual or even a problem unless you’re constantly butting heads. Her constant criticism indicates she’s as tired of the situation as you are.