Can’t accept boyfriend’s cheating
Q. I’m 22, with my boyfriend since I was 17. He cheated 18 months ago, blaming my being “distant,” which I wasn’t.
I was just going out with my girlfriends often. I was 21, I shouldn’t have to stop my life. Yet he always tries to validate it because I was going out and not seeing him every weekend.
We got back together five months later. But the incident still makes me very angry. We try to move on, are good for a week or two, but then my anger sets in.
I feel I can never trust him again. I want to be happy and love him, but I feel crazy, like I can’t get past his cheating on me.
My mom says he shouldn’t have cheated regardless of anything; when you love someone, you don’t cheat.
A. Consider this: had you found that he was the one spending weekends with his buddies and not you, might you have strayed?
In other words, though of course at 21 you were entitled to a life, did you gently explain to him ahead that you needed free weekend time with your girlfriends?
Did you reassure him back then that you were not distanced?
Yes, your mom’s right: his cheating wasn’t a good move, even though he was reacting to his fear of losing you.
But then, you’ve been together since so young that maybe neither of you yet understood that you both need to speak up when wanting some normal changes in the relationship.
You wanted more independence so you could spend more time with your girlfriends. And you took it.
Now, you’re still obsessing about his cheating even though you got back together. And he’s still blaming you.
It’s time for a friendly break. That’s a logical and noncombative way to give each of you room to get past this event.
If you continue to feel that his cheating’s unacceptable, then you’ll have your answer about moving on.
But if you miss him and want to try again, give each other one more chance.
Expectations are too high Q.
I’m a 46-year-old woman involved with a man online. He lives in another city two hours away. We’ve seen each other three times since the first date.
We get along well when we’re together. We have even discussed whether one of us would consider moving if things work out.
My problem is the lack of communication when we’re apart. I do get almostdaily texts, but they’re very superficial questions ... mostly, “How is your day?”
Should I expect more, or am I asking too much this early in the relationship?
A. Sounds nice to me that a man you’re just getting to know asks about your day so often. I see it as steady interest, yet you see it as too little communication.
Let me offer a reality check on early dating: you hardly know each other.
Some people live by text and, frankly, it can still add up to a superficial relationship with each person simply repeating a diary of their day.
Meanwhile, this man gets together with you when he can, and has participated in a chat about the future, which many people would run from this early.
Yes, you’re expecting too much. Instead of chat, get to know him better in person. See where he lives and works. If the dating continues, you need to meet at least one close friend of his and a close family member, too.
Marriage counselling is needed
Feedback: Regarding the man who complained about his sexless marriage (June 7):
Reader: “If he’s concerned that his wife’s too tired for sex, he should say he won tickets to a concert she’d want to attend or a free meal at a favourite restaurant. If she’s too tired to go, she’s genuinely too tired. But if she goes, she’s only too tired for sex.
“If they attend the concert/restaurant, he should try to initiate sex afterwards.
“If she’s then too tired for sex, then her being too tired is definitely situational.”
Ellie: Thanks for trying.
This situation had more to do with the relationship than just their sex life. They should still occasionally go out together, but seeing a marriage counsellor is needed more.