New iPhones are faster, cooler and crazy-ex­pen­sive

Waterloo Region Record - - Arts & Life - DREW ED­WARDS Drew Ed­wards can be reached at drew@drewed­ The email will even ar­rive on his phone!

I was think­ing of get­ting a new cell­phone but ap­par­ently I’m go­ing to have to take out a sec­ond mort­gage on the house.

Ap­ple re­leased their new line of iPhones this week, and while they have plenty of new bells and whis­tles, what re­ally caught my at­ten­tion was the price: cheap­est of the new de­vices — the cheap­est — is $1,029. The most ex­pen­sive, an iPhone XS Max with a 6.5-inch dis­play and 64 GB of mem­ory, is $1,999. That’s a lot of nines and one rather con­spic­u­ously ab­sent two. For a phone.

My first car was less than two grand. The com­puter I’m typ­ing this col­umn on was less than two grand. My TV was waaaayyyy less than two grand. I’ve never paid two grand for a bike — my one oc­ca­sion­ally dumb ex­trav­a­gance — or even a vacation. The down pay­ment on my first house was more than two grand but only be­cause I bor­rowed money from my par­ents.

I cer­tainly have never, ever come close to spend­ing that kind of ched­dar on my own phone, never mind one for the kids. They’re lucky they don’t get stuck with a tin can, some string and some old key­board but­tons glued to the side.

Which isn’t to say the new iPhones aren’t nice. They are big­ger (though my cur­rent iPhone 7 barely fits in my pocket as it is). The cam­era is bet­ter (I al­ready have thou­sands of pho­tos and videos I don’t know what to do with). And the tech guts are sup­pos­edly faster (which is cool, I guess).

But even at $2,000, it will in­evitably have things that an­noy me. My cur­rent phone doesn’t have a head­phone jack and that was big nui­sance un­til I forked over an­other $250 to Ap­ple for a so­lu­tion (the AirPods head­phones are, ad­mit­tedly, amaz­ing). The lat­est ver­sions get rid of the ‘Home’ but­ton, but not hav­ing this would break my brain and leave me all kinds of dis­com­bob­u­lated for months.

I would also feel weird car­ry­ing around some­thing worth that much money in my pocket. One of Drew’s Laws is that the amount of time it takes to lose / ruin some­thing is in­verse to the amount of money spent to ac­quire it. If I spend more than $50 on a shirt, I will spill mus­tard on it the first time I wear it, guar­an­teed. Dol­lar store tees, mean­while, stay pris­tine for gen­er­a­tions.

The day I spend $2,000 on an iPhone is the day I drop it in the mall toi­let mere mo­ments after buy­ing it, guar­an­teed.

In re­al­ity, I’ll do what I al­ways do when it comes to phones: buy last year’s lat­est and great­est model, the one ev­ery­body was freak­ing out about just a few months ago but is now ap­par­ently so much dig­i­tal trash.

I’m pretty sure it will fit into the mall toi­let just fine.


The most ex­pen­sive, an iPhone XS Max with a 6.5-inch dis­play and 64 GB of mem­ory is $1,999.

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