Simple questions from a simple guy

Ever catch yourself doing a little research on something completely, ridiculously simple but, at the time, you thought you were going to find something new and different that would blow your mind?

Sometimes we just want to know if there’s a better way to brush our teeth, cut an onion or walk.

My search history reveals me to be a curious idiot.

How to peel a kiwi. How to shave. How to cook brown rice (Googled every single time I try to cook brown rice).

I typed the other day, no joke: “Ways to cook eggs.” I don’t know what I was expecting. Clearly there is a void in my life. Ways to cook eggs.

The results that came back were underwhelming. From the entire World Wide Web, what came back was a collection of recipes for things like scrambled eggs, over-easy eggs, omelettes, egg white omelettes, Denver omelettes, eggs Benedict, poached eggs, devilled eggs and egg salad. No surprises.

Oh, and there were hits about the unique treat that is the soft-boiled egg.

OK, let me stop you for a second, Internet. The soft-boiled egg? This thing is the biggest scam ever foisted on breakfast. Does anyone eat a soft-boiled egg who isn’t the Queen of England?

The soft-boiled egg is the avocado of egg-based meals. Things escalate quickly. Place your eggs in a pot of water on the stove and let them boil, and they are going directly from raw to hard-boiled every single time.

I don’t know how long you’re supposed to boil a soft-boiled egg because I’ve never done it. Why would a person try to cook an egg still in its shell, anyway? Even worse, why would anyone try to eat an egg right out of the shell?

Soft-boiled egg enthusiasts will put their little so-called soft-boiled eggs in stupid little egg cups and tappy-tap them open with a spoon. These people have way too much time on their hands. They are a menace to society.

Soft-boiled eggs are ridiculously difficult from start to finish. If you fry or poach that thing, you can watch the white turn white. You can see the yolk cooking. And guess what? The end product is the same thing — a cooked egg!

So let’s just cut it out with the soft-boiled egg shenanigans, OK?

The reason I went searching for alternative egg-cooking techniques actually makes some sense.

I’m a professional level commuter, and I have developed the habit of making myself an egg on an English muffin for breakfast every morning. I call it an egg-o-muffin. I would call it an Egg McMuffin, but I believe there is a good chance I would be sued.

The egg-o-muffin is a perfect one-handed commuter meal. It’s quick to make because there’s no soft-boiling involved. The problem is, after weeks and weeks of egg-o-muffins, I’m bored.

So I went on a search, as I do when I have a stupid question.

I searched for how to tie shoes. I’m a full-grown man. But my feet have been hurting. I was looking for a quick fix.

I searched for “how to clean the shower.” I forget what the Internet had to say on that. I wasn’t that interested.

I’ve searched for the most basic life skills. “What colour shirt can I wear with beige khaki pants?” Spoiler alert: any colour. No Google required.

After I struck out on my search for new egg ideas, I Googled another breakfast concoction — oatmeal. Yep. I looked online to find out how to make oatmeal. Oatmeal.

I found something intriguing — overnight oatmeal. This sounded easy and healthy. You mix up some oatmeal with seeds and almond milk in the evening and by morning you have a handy container of disgusting slop.

I only tried this recipe once.