The straight poop on dog ownership

“Dad, can we get a dog? Please, please, please, please ...”

This was my children right around this time three years ago. I have two kids but they were speaking with one very loud, very annoying, increasingly insistent voice.

Meanwhile, I was trying to be the voice of reason.

“Well, a dog is a lot of work –” “We know, we’ll do it all!” “They need to be fed every day ...” “We’ll feed him, we promise!” “And they need to be walked every day–”

“We’ll walk him, we promise!” “Every day, no matter the weather, no matter how hot is, no matter how cold it is…”

“We’ll bundle up! Wear our hats and gloves!”

“There will be poop to be picked up.”

“We love scooping poop! Even if it stinks!”

“Well ...”

“Can we Dad, can we, can we, puhhhhhhhlllllleeeaaassseee ????!!!!!! ”

As it turns out, not only is the dog full of crap, but so are my kids.

We bought the dog around the holidays, and surprised the girls by convincing them we were going to a farm to pick up a turkey for Christmas dinner. There were tears of joy, happiness and excitement as the puppy — we named him Cooper — bounded down the hallway and into their arms.

Then the dog puked in the car on the way home. “Ewwwwwwwwwww !!!!!! ” My wife cleaned up that particular mess and most of the tiny Cooper bombs launched from the opposite end for the next several weeks. The kids did a lot of dog walking in those early, halcyon days and my youngest even came to the obedience training (which worked on the dog but not her).

But it didn’t take long before they got the excuse machine cranked up.

“I have homework.” “I’m not feeling well.”

“It’s too hot outside.”

“My legs hurt from gym class.” “I have basketball practice.” “No way. It’s freezing out there.”

“My friend is supposed to call me.”

“I don’t want to.”

There are many, many more of these and all end, conveniently enough, with someone else having to walk the dog. And someone else is usually me. Sure, my wife does it sometimes but when it’s dark and minus 15 and generally nasty she’s suddenly awfully busy doing very important stuff inside the warm house. Plus, as she’s inclined to remind me, she deals with the poop.

In their defence, my kids do love them some Cooper. They give him plenty of affection and treats and they will walk or feed the dog on very rare occasions if you a) ask them nicely 4,252 times, then, b) threaten them with restricted Netflix access. And be prepared to never hear the end of it.

They have, however, come up with a novel idea to help exercise and stimulate Cooper, something they figure will increase his activity with minimal effort on their part.

“Dad, can we get another dog? Please? Dad ... where are you going? You walked Cooper already.”

Drew Edwards is the proud owner of ONE dog. One. He can be reached at drew@drewedwards.ca