I don’t think tough love is the right answer here

course/internship/part-time work or volunteering that provides positive experiences and encouragement.

Does tough love harm or hurt an adult child? I believe parents need to take a hard look at themselves plus their child, and be able to feel comfortable with answering these questions:

How far are they willing to go with their ultimatum? How much do they share responsibility for their adult child’s current situation? Have they tried other measures to encourage and support their child’s steps toward independence?

Lastly, how far do they plan to go with insisting on their terms … to the point where their offspring is homeless?

My general answer as to tough love’s harm or help: It depends on the parents’ motives and methods, and on the adult child’s inner resilience or lack thereof.

Reader’s Commentary — Personal reflections in light of the many people who write of their unhappy relationships, often based on differences between the partners:

“My wife and I are not well-suited, came from very different backgrounds and historical references, pursued very different interests and studies. But our love and respect for each other has somehow held us together as a couple and as parents for 15 years.

“To share just some facts — I’m bookish, she’s craft-oriented. She’s tech savvy and mechanically skilled, I’m not even good at knowing where to start.

“I love team sports and watching big games, she’s bored by those but addicted to personal fitness.

“We were raised in different religions. But we chose that we would make decency and respect for others our joint household belief. We do tell our children of their heritage from their grandparents and past generations.

“She has insecurities I don’t understand, but I accept that they’re hers, and not mine to judge. I just love her and am grateful that she loves me.”

Ellie’s tip of the day

Does tough love help or harm an adult child? Depends on who’s getting the tough end and who’s ordering it.