Our sex life’s been ruined by coronavirus lockdown
Q: My husband and I are having less sex and blaming the coronavirus, the media, and politicians. We’re in our late-40s, healthy, still in love, no kids (circumstances). Though both of us loved our lives as they were, once we had to follow stay-home orders, we did it the best we could. We both had to work from home, and shared the housecleaning and cooking. We’ve been together 24-7 through the initial two-months-plus lockdown. It sounds very companionable, but it’s part of what’s ruined our sex life: No hours of absence to miss each other, no stimulus of office chat, no gatherings with close friends to laugh at ourselves, no daydreaming together about travel to romantic places. Instead, we’ve listened to the warnings of scientific minds that we might be involved in two major battles against COVID-19. We’ve been presented with confusing choices of how to
“open up” (a chef can come into our home)? As a result, this is “us”: We’re weary of good-news plans being followed by badnews realities, still committed to the battle, but with no lustful energy left for each other.
No Sex is No Fun
A: It’s not your sexual parts that have let you down, it’s your current view of experiencing life with a pessimistic “halfempty cup,” despite how fortunate you are. Especially when there are countless couples unlike yourselves with no jobs, no incomes, kids to feed, and vulnerable relatives to worry about.
Yes, we’re living through uncertain times regarding the virus’ reaction in the months ahead, on the numbers of infections and deaths, from loosened social restrictions. But any couple as lucky as you two, with your health and jobs intact, should be bursting with the life force of lovemaking just to congratulate each other!
Don’t let doubt and uncertainty dull your senses. Season your connection just as you season your food to excite your taste buds. Long-term couples need the spice of sex — a different position, sex in the shower — and the mellowness of intimate talk.
If you find you cannot reach across the gulf of sexual-avoidance, there’s possibly a deeper problem of despair lurking within both of you. Though you two have managed the pandemic well so far, you’ve lost faith in yourselves vs. potential future losses.
It’s called mortality, and we all must come to terms with it, even without a novel coronavirus. Everyone is only a heartbeat away from an accident, an unexpected diagnosis, a deeply personal loss.
But rather than grieve ahead, we live with hope and treasure the gift of life.
I urge you both to talk to an (online) counsellor about getting your cup, and your sex life, at least optimistically half-full again. FEEDBACK Regarding the girlfriend who’s jealous of her boyfriend’s female “best friend” (May 11): Reader: She should say to him, ‘Hey can I meet your friend? I’ve met your guy friends, can I meet your other friend?’ She could’ve suggested to him, ‘let’s go out for dinner, coffee, to a movie or just hang out on Zoom during the pandemic.’
She could get to know her, and learn why the boyfriend wants to maintain his friendship with this friend who’s a girl. Then the jealousy can move aside and not be important anymore.
Ellie: Her boyfriend slept in the same bed with this female friend. That’s not an easy image for the writer to be friendly about. She said how she feels, he’s done nothing different. That is what’s keeping her jealous.
Ellie Tesher