Communication — maybe we’ve said too much
Communication is the key.
Look no further than our closest relationships. Do you find that communicating with your significant other, your life partner, your boo, is hard? You’re not alone. It’s OK. Well, it’s not OK — OK. It’s not ideal. If you’re struggling to communicate it could be a symptom of deeper issues. I’ve heard from many people in long, long-term relationships who say it’s not the snuggling that keeps them together year after year. After year.
It’s communication. Their relationships have survived, and their bonds have strengthened, thanks to healthy communication. They could be lying, who knows?
What I do know is lots of us struggle with communication, yet our relationships are still hanging in. Perhaps it’s because we don’t even realize what excellent communicators we are. Our methods may be unorthodox, and we may never write relationship books or even blogs or even, ick, weekly newspaper columns.
But we get by.
If you don’t wear your heart on your sleeve and if you don’t tell all the important people how you feel about them every day or week or month or quarter, I’m with you.
I know people who talk to their partner on the phone every day, sometimes several times a day. They call, they chat, they end the conversation with, “I love you.”
It’s beautiful and healthy and it makes me want to throw up. It also makes me suspicious. Too many I love yous feel like a coverup to me.
You know one of the ways I say, “I love you?”
When we bring home a rotisserie chicken from the store — I don’t just hack off the part I plan to eat. I cut up the whole bird and place it in a container so it will be ready for my love when she’s feeling peckish or needs to grab something for a quick lunch.
That’s not textbook communication but it’s something, right?
There are other ways to communicate for those of us in long-term relationships. One technique, I call, “Thank You, Costco Magazine.”
That thing lands in my mailbox and I know it’s going to be a comfortable evening of easy chit chat.
“Whoa!”
“What?”
“Oh, just, I see that we have an executive member coupon here for the coffee we like. Eight dollars off.”
“Nice.”
“Ya.”
“Oh, here’s one you might like …”
Lately we’ve been breaking awkward silences by commenting on some particularly tasty fruit.
“These pears are so good.” “They really are.”
“No I mean it.”
“Me too.”
“So good. We’ll have to get some more.”
“I agree.”
“Well, I’m going to call it a day.”
Not all couples enjoy this type of blissful, breezy conversation.
Sometimes there’s conflict and the best way to resolve conflict is … you got it — communication!
I’m guessing that if you are a mature, healthy adult you probably have difficult conversations. You’re likely speak directly and unemotionally, and you seek to listen and understand while also making your own voice heard. Either that or you speak through your pets.
That’s right. If I’m upset and need to air some feelings, it can be helpful to buffer them through Eddie the Wiener dog or Maggie the cat.
You are welcome to try it. Let’s say you worked a long day, and your partner had the day off. You come home and the dishwasher is still full of clean dishes and the sink is still full of dirty dishes and your partner is enjoying a nice nap.
If confrontation is just too confrontational for you, try something like: “Oh, Eddie, I see you didn’t unload the dishwasher today. And Maggie, why didn’t you tell your brother to do his chores?”
Just make sure you’re loud enough for your partner to hear but not so loud that you can’t deny it if it appears the conversation is going to turn against you.
Sometimes you can communicate with your partner without involving the pets and even without involving words.
Have you ever experienced the audible eyeroll?
It’s happened to me lots of times. I’ll be in a different room, and I’ll get a question about raking leaves or going apple picking and I’ll roll my eyes and hear, “Don’t roll your eyes at me!”
What? How? Call it telepathy. Call it magic. Call it the unspoken language of love.