Our guide to the federal leadership campaign
IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD LEADERSHIP RACE OUR GUIDE TO THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY LEADERSHIP CAMPAIGN … AND HOW TO TELL THE 14 CANDIDATES APART.
1. What candidate says about … abortion.
❚ Pro-life, and since we’re on the subject, I’m also not too pleased with gays marrying. (Lemieux, Trost)
❚ I don’t like abortion, but won’t make it illegal. (Raitt) ❚ I’ll let MPs debate it. (Bernier) ❚ The abortion question is resolved. (Scheer, O’Toole, Leitch, Chong, Alexander, Saxton, Blaney, Obhrai)
❚ I’m pro-choice. (Peterson)
❚ Why are you, a Conservative, asking me about abortion? Is it because you hate winning elections? (O’Leary) 2. What candidate says about … supply management of eggs, poultry and dairy. ❚ End it. (Bernier) ❚ Keep it. (Alexander, Scheer, Leitch, O’Toole, Lemieux, Obhrai, Saxton)
❚ Anyone advocating an end to supply management is an elitist farm-hater. (Blaney)
❚ There’s nothing wrong with supply management that can’t be fixed with more exports to China. (Trost) ❚ I love farmers. (Raitt, Peterson, Chong) ❚ If we’re going to be renegotiating trade agreements, I’m afraid we need to renegotiate supply management. (O’Leary)
3. What candidate says about … screening immigrants for “Canadian Values.”
❚ Why just immigrants? Screen visitors too! (Leitch)
❚ Canada already does a fine job of screening immigrants. (Obhrai, Bernier, Alexander, O’Toole)
❚ More face-to-face interviews! (Lemieux, Blaney, Saxton)
❚ Value screening is an “Orwellian” bureaucratic dystopia in the making. (Peterson)
❚ The proposal is “un-Canadian.” (O’Leary)
❚ Oh God, shut up about the screening thing. (Chong, Raitt, Obhrai, Scheer)
4. What candidates say about … carbon tax.
❚ Keep it, but make it revenue neutral. (Chong)
❚ Instead, tell businesses to reduce emissions. Jail them if they fail. (O’Leary)
❚ It won’t help stop climate change. (Bernier)
❚ No, just no. (O’Toole, Raitt, Alexander, Bernier, Scheer, Peterson, Lemieux, Leitch, Obhrai, Blaney)
❚ Pfft, man-made climate change isn’t real. (Trost)
❚ No carbon tax unless the Americans also have one. (Saxton)
5. What candidate says about … CBC.
❚ Dismantle it. (Trost, Obhrai)
❚ Dismantle it, except for that part of the CBC that tells people about tornadoes and such. (Leitch)
❚ Stop it from doing anything that a private broadcaster could do. (Bernier)
❚ Cut it down to a news channel, stop with the terrible scripted programming. (Peterson)
❚ I don’t know. Dial back the Trudeau funding-boosts, I guess? (Raitt, Alexander, Blaney, Chong, Lemieux, O’Toole, Saxton, Scheer)
6. French language acumen.
❚ Fluent. (Alexander, Peterson, Blaney, Bernier, Chong)
❚ Pretends they’re fluent. (Scheer, Saxton, Lemieux)
❚ Rusty but adorable. (O’Toole)
❚ “Pardonay moi, monsir, oo et la beebleeothekey?” (Leitch, Raitt, O’Leary, Trost)
❚ You know what? Screw French. (Obhrai)
7. Where candidate grew up.
❚ On a farm. (Chong, Trost)
❚ On the hard-knock streets of Atlantic Canada. (Raitt, O’Toole)
❚ On the hard-knock streets outside Canada. (Obhrai, O’Leary)
❚ On the hard-knock streets of Quebec. (Blaney, Bernier)
❚ On the hard-knock streets of Western Canada. (Leitch, Peterson, Saxton)
❚ In Ottawa, but … I was born in Saskatchewan and love it very much. (Scheer)
❚ Just outside Ottawa (possibly hardknock. (Lemieux)
❚ (Quiet voice if speaking outside GTA) In Toronto. (Alexander)
8. Preferred number of letters after candidates’ name
❚ Two. (Saxton, Obhrai, Chong) ❚ Four. (Peterson) ❚ Five (Blaney, Trost) ❚ Six. (Alexander) ❚ Seven. (Lemieux) ❚ Nine. (O’Toole) ❚ Ten. (Bernier) ❚ Eleven. (Raitt) ❚ Seventeen. (Leitch)
9. Candidates’ parliamentary experience.
❚ Former cabinet minister. (Alexander, Bernier, Blaney, Raitt, O’Toole, Chong)
❚ Sitting MP. (Chong, Leitch, Obhrai, O’Toole, Scheer, Trost, Bernier, Blaney)
❚ Defeated MP. (Lemieux, Saxton, Alexander)
❚ May or may not have ever been inside the House of Commons. (Peterson, O’Leary)
❚ Whatever. (One vote to each)
10. Preferred appearance of Tory leader
❚ Male pattern baldness. (O’Toole, O’Leary, Blaney, Peterson)
❚ Non-threatening baby face. (Chong, Scheer) ❚ Stephen Harper-esque. (Lemieux, Trost) ❚ Actually good-looking somehow. (Bernier) ❚ Lady. (Raitt, Leitch) ❚Constantly wearing scarf, regardless of weather. (Obhrai) ❚I don’t care; all people are beautiful. (One vote to all) 11. What candidate says they’ll do when they meet Donald Trump. ❚I’ll be super professional. (Trost) ❚ I’ll impress him by inviting American investment into Canada. (Peterson)
❚ I’ll tell him that Canada has his back on the international stage. (Alexander)
❚ He’ll trust me because Americans know me from TV. (O’Leary)
❚ I’m totally Trump North, so we’ll get along. (Leitch)
❚ I’ll tell him I abolished supply management, opening up a new market for American farmers. (Bernier)
❚ I’ll get his respect by boosting Canadian participation in NATO and offering a replacement to NAFTA. (Obhrai)
❚ I talk about fighting ISIS a lot, so there’s that. (Blaney)
❚ Unlike a certain Prime Minister, I won’t seem so eager to renegotiate trade agreements. (O’Toole)
❚ Nice talk about free trade won’t work, I’ll have to recruit proCanadian allies in U.S. business. (Scheer)
❚ Please stop mentioning Trump. We do other things. (Chong, Raitt)
❚ Did I mention that I’m a businessman, too? (Saxton)
12. What candidate says about … marijuana.
❚ I don’t like it, but what are you going to do? I’ll just tax the hell out of it. (Peterson)
❚ Keep it medical. No recreational use. (Leitch, Blaney, Obhrai, Trost)
❚ It’s going to be legal. Get used to it. (O’Leary)
❚ Make it so legal that Marc Emery himself will endorse me. (Bernier)
❚ Decriminalization fine, but free-for-all not fine. (Chong)
❚ Well, we certainly wouldn’t put pot in every store window, willynilly. (Alexander)
❚ If it comes up, say something about keeping the children safe. (Scheer, Raitt, O’Toole, Saxton, Lemieux)
13. What candidate says about … guns.
❚ I love law-abiding gun owners, unlike the stupid Liberals. (Bernier, Raitt)
❚ Trust me on this file, I used to get paid to fire guns. (Lemieux, O’Toole)
❚ Guns are sweet. I totally shoot guns all the time. (O’Leary)
❚ Give responsibility for firearm regulation to a non-RCMP body. (Alexander, Blaney, O’Toole, Trost, Saxton, Leitch, Peterson)
❚ Overhaul the firearm-classification system (including an end to arbitrary bans on select firearms due to appearance/reputation). (O’Toole, Blaney, Trost, Scheer, Leitch, Peterson)
❚ Not a lot of gun talk, although candidate presumably likes guns and gun owners very much. (Chong, Obhrai)
14. What candidate says about … Kevin O’Leary.
❚ A household name who is also way smarter than Justin Trudeau. (O’Leary)
❚ A bringer of Trump-like politics that aren’t welcome in Canada. (Chong)
❚ A TV entertainer with absolutely no filter. (Raitt)
❚ A wannabe white knight who doesn’t understand Conservatives. (Obhrai, Alexander)
❚ A chicken for missing the French-language debate. (Scheer, Trost, Blaney)
❚ Seems to be a Liberal, but that’s true of most of my opponents. (Leitch)
❚ You have to speak French to understand Canada, and Kevin can’t do that. (Peterson)
❚ It’s Kevin O’Leary’s way or no way at all. (Lemieux) ❚ Not a real conservative. (O’Toole) ❚ Politics isn’t Dragons’ Den. (Bernier) ❚ I’m a businessman, too, just like Kevin O’Leary. (Saxton) 15. Should the Conservative leader be a guy named “Andrew”? ❚ Yes. (Scheer, Saxton) ❚ No. (All other candidates)
16. What candidate says about … First Nations.
❚ Abolish the Indian Act, even if the elitist chiefs disagree with me. (Leitch)
❚ Accelerate modern treaty negotiations and further self-government. (Alexander)
❚ Reserves suck. Dismantle them. (Blaney)
❚ Spend more on First Nations education, even if the last time Conservatives tried that it was a fiery disaster. (Chong)
❚ Expand private onreserve land ownership. (Saxton, Bernier, Raitt)
❚ Fix First Nations health care and meet the requirements of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission. (O’Toole)
❚ They want jobs, just like us. And respect. I’ll give them jobs and respect. (O’Leary)
❚ Eliminate the corporate income tax. Natives own corporations, too. (Peterson)
❚ Bring back financial transparency, don’t repeal Indian Act for sake of it. (Raitt)
❚ Make all Canadians rich forever, including First Nations. (Scheer)
❚ If asked, mumble something about how the lack of running water on reserves is unacceptable or something. (Lemieux, Obhrai, Trost) 16. What candidate says about … Justin Trudeau ❚ Surfer boy. (O’Leary) ❚ Thinks he’s on a movie set. (Saxton) ❚ Doing selfies is not leadership. (Trost) ❚ Lives in the world of the Care Bears. (Scheer)
❚ Doesn’t understand economics. (Raitt)
❚ His dad doomed my family to poverty and I seek vengeance. (Peterson)
❚ Canadians don’t go around asking for nannies to take care of their children. (Obhrai)
❚ A Canadian identity denier. (Leitch) ❚ Celebrity-in-chief. (O’Toole) ❚ He and his team have their hands in the pockets of Canadians. (Alexander) ❚ Is pandering to the provinces. (Bernier) ❚ Cares more about Princess Leia than fighting jihadists. (Blaney)
❚ Is doing the carbon tax all wrong. (Chong)
❚ No depths to which he won’t stoop for more tax dollars. (Lemieux)
17. What candidate says about … Kellie Leitch.
❚ A dear friend, but also an unhinged maniac who has to be stopped at all costs. (Raitt) ❚ A karaoke Donald Trump. (Bernier) ❚ A race-baiter. (Chong) ❚ Crassly importing American rhetoric. (Alexander)
❚ The only one protecting us from Canada-hating elites. (Leitch)
❚ One of my closest friends, but I think she’s just trying to get attention. (O’Toole)
❚ A total writeoff as an electable leader. (O’Leary)
❚ Spiritual inspiration for xenophobic attacks. (Obhrai) ❚ Leave Kellie alone! (Blaney) ❚ She’s wrong to scare away immigrants. Those are great for the economy. (Peterson)
❚ Anybody else think it’s weird that she keeps accusing everyone of being elites? (Scheer)
❚ (Polite silence) (Trost, Lemieux)
18. Pipelines, debt-reduction, Israel, free trade, low taxes, praise for the steady, noble stewardship of Stephen J. Harper. ❚ Yes. (All candidates)
19. Wild card! Pick your favourite pet policy.
❚ Term limits on Supreme Court justices. (Lemieux)
❚ End corporate taxes. Implement flat tax on income. (Peterson)
❚ Free membership in Canadian political parties. (Chong)
❚ Kick diesel by filling the North with tiny nuclear reactors. (Blaney)
❚ Build a bunch of fast neutron reactors. (Obhrai)
❚ Legalize pepper spray for women’s selfdefence. (Leitch)
❚ Boost immigration to 400,000 per year. (Alexander) ❚ Sell Senate appointments. (O’Leary) ❚ A Canada/U.K./New Zealand/Australia trade bloc, sort of like the old days. (O’Toole)
❚ End supply management. (Bernier)
❚ Cap government spending. (Raitt)
❚ Add property rights to the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. (Scheer)
❚ Allow off-duty police officers to conceal-carry. (Trost)
❚ Better campaign strategies for the Party. (Saxton)