Don’t just talk sex
Parents should discuss relationships with their teens to better equip them
Parents fret about having “the talk” with their kids. That talk, of course, being about sex.
But one thing that is getting very lost is how to have a healthy romantic relationship.
Without this talk, we risk our kids being in abusive, manipulative relationships or missing out on a truly wonderful aspect of life.
A report by Harvard Graduate School of Education’s Making Caring Common Project says parents ignore the fact young people are unprepared to learn how to love and develop caring, healthy romantic relationships.
“This whole area has been terribly neglected,” says Richard Weissbourd, a Harvard psychologist who runs the Making Caring Common project.
Parents are also neglecting to teach their children about misogyny and sexual harassment.
Weissbourd and the report’s authors offer ways to teach kids and young adults about healthy relationships:
BE A ROMANTIC PHILOSOPHER
Young people may confuse love with infatuation, lust, idolization or obsession. They may think, for example, that they’re in love with someone because they can’t stop thinking about them.
Or they may confuse love with the boost in self-esteem they experience when someone is romantically interested in them. Try this: Speak with your teen about the many forms of love.
Let your child understand that they may define being in love differently than someone else and that there is no right definition of being in love.
But there are ways of knowing whether intense feelings for someone else are likely to lead to healthy or unhealthy romantic relationships.
Explore with your teen why and how love can be deeply meaningful and change the course of our lives. Also: Talk about how people can be attracted to, or preoccupied with, other people for a range of positive and negative reasons.
Are they attracted at least partly because they’re kind, generous and honest? Or are they attracted because that person is elusive, seems unattainable or mistreats them in some way?
Discussing these questions can give them tools for determining whether a relationship is healthy or unhealthy.
TALK ABOUT THE MARKERS OF HEALTHY AND UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Teens may be unsure if their worries, feelings of disappointment or criticisms of their partner are normal. Try this: Talk to your teen about couples you know, and representations of relationships in the media.
Which are healthy? Which are harmful? Why? If your teen is in a relationship, you might ask whether it makes them more or less self-respecting, hopeful, caring and generous.
TALK ABOUT THE SKILLS NEEDED TO MAINTAIN HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Maintaining healthy relationships requires a range of skills, including the ability to communicate honestly and effectively, jointly solve problems, measure anger and be generous.
Healthy relationships also benefit from being able to take someone else’s perspective in a deep way. Try this: Discuss with your child various examples of caring, vibrant relationships.
These examples might be relatives or friends who you think have mature romantic relationships or could be couples in books, television, movies.
You might watch with your teen the compelling marriages in shows such as This Is Us, Blackish and Friday Night Lights.
CONSIDER SHARING LESSONS FROM YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIPS
Teens are often interested in our experiences, partly because they’re sorting out how they’re like or unlike us. Try this: Think about what your relationships have taught you. What was healthy about them? Unhealthy? What attitudes or behaviours would you change?
Share with your teen any lessons you’ve learned about the skills, attitudes and sensitivities it takes to maintain a healthy relationship.
ENGAGE YOUNG PEOPLE IN ETHICAL QUESTIONS CONNECTED TO ROMANTIC AND SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS
Students enthusiastically plunge into ethical questions: What do I do if I know my friend is cheating on his girlfriend who is also my friend? Is it exploitation when a senior hooks up with a first year?
Reflecting on such questions can help young people develop better relationships, but also help them develop complex thinking and problem-solving skills, and learn to ethically reason. Try this: Together with your child, puzzle through answers to ethical questions.
Start by listening to how your teen would answer these questions, then share your own thoughts. Often there is not one right answer. Consider how to resolve these dilemmas in ways that are fair, honest and caring for all people involved.