Tips for talking to your kids about sex
It may not be easy, but it’s important for parents to talk to their kids about sex
“I do know how babies are made,” my then-eight-year-old son recently told his 13-year-old sister. She ignored him. “Mom, he really doesn’t,” she said. “You better tell him before he goes to camp and hears it from older kids.”
According to Deborah Roffman, a teacher and author of Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ “GoTo”
1 Fill in gaps and debunk myths
Karen Rayne, author of GIRL: Love, Sex, Romance and Being You (Magination Press, 2017), says parents shouldn’t make assumptions about what their kids know. She recalls a student who avoided trampolines because she believed every time a girl is jostled, an egg dies.
Yuri Ohlrichs, an author and sex educator at Rutgers Netherlands, says kids pick up information from peers and the internet and parents need to debunk myths. “Some of the misconceptions are disturbing, and as responsible adults we can take away the tension they create.”
2 Admit discomfort and stay calm
“You can begin the conversation with, ‘This is going to be awkward, but we’re going to talk about it anyway because it’s important,’” Rayne says. “If young people say something shocking, it’s OK to say, ‘That’s surprising to me.’” Stay calm and delay any gut reaction. “Process with a friend, partner or religious figure, and then respond in your best emotional state,” she says. Person About Sex (Da Capo Lifelong Books, 2012), I was late to the game. “If we’re not deliberately reaching out to kids by third grade, almost everything they learn after that is going to be remedial,” she says. “Sexual intercourse in the service of reproduction is thoroughly age-appropriate for sixyear-olds.”
These tips can help parents raise kids who know how to make wellconsidered decisions.
3 Talk about your family’s values
List at least five values you want children to bring to all sexual situations they encounter in their lives. Name those values to your kids as young as possible.
Parents can teach the importance of compassion, honesty and respect long before they broach them in a sexual context.
Last year, Roffman’s eighthgraders wanted to teach fifth-graders about consent. They showed an image of the prince kissing Sleeping Beauty. By the end of the presentation, the students understood why Sleeping Beauty was incapable of agreeing to the kiss.
4 Share personal stories with caution
Before sharing personal information, parents need to think deeply about why they’re sharing it, Roffman says. “There should be a point to the story. What do they hope their child will learn?” Trying to steer a kid’s behaviour is not a good motive.
Parents can draw a line when kids ask intrusive questions. “The act of drawing boundaries is pow- erful, and parents can say, ‘That’s a personal question, and maybe I’ll answer it when you’re older,’” Rayne says.
5 Address stereotypes and gender differences
Take a positive approach to both male and female sexuality.
“We have to make sure that boys understand that you’re just as much a man if you’re not experienced sexually as if you are,” says Ohlrichs.
He urges parents to explain that although there are no hardand-fast distinctions, males and females might approach sexual scenarios differently. “Boys don’t always understand that a girl might stop kissing because she’s focused on what’s going on around them,” he says. “Boys might be all green lights, but if a girl hears someone in the house or the boy says something that reminds her of a negative experience, it’s over.”
Ohlrichs urges parents to address stereotypes about female sexuality, noting that girls throughout the world internalize the idea that they need to protect their reputation. “They’re getting the message that they need to conceal excitement and avoid taking initiative, and it’s still one-sided,” he says.
6 Use media and other sources to start a conversation
“Everything in life can be connected to human sexuality,” Roff- man says, and parents can find natural segues in a variety of topics, such as music and sports. Rayne has used the movie Wonder Woman and Grey’s Anatomy to talk about gender issues with her own children. She also talks to her kids about sexting and shares other internet cautionary tales when they unfold publicly. Books about sex, gender and reproduction are readily available in her home.
Ohlrichs suggests that parents raise indirect questions using the news or research. “You can say, ‘I just read in the newspaper that half of young people are in love. What do you think of that?’” he says.
7 Understand the developmental phase
Different ages pose different challenges, Roffman says. “Parents will say, ‘My child used to talk to me all the time and now they’ve stopped, what am I doing wrong?’” She notes that more often than not, the child in question is an 11-yearold girl. “Girls that age can be selfconscious about their changing or not-changing bodies and pull in,” she says, adding that the important point is that you don’t back out of the situation.
“They’re not adults. They need us, but they’re also looking for increasing independence.”
After I talked to my eight-yearold, he asked only one thing. “Do people always love each other before they make a baby?”
At an age when the body tends to mature faster than the mind, kids want to know what’s normal and what’s next. Parents need to be brave enough to tell them.