FROM ‘I DO’ TO ‘WHAT DO I DO NOW?’
Post-wedding blues can be tamed with strategic planning, Maggie Parker writes.
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes depression. Wait ... that’s not how it’s supposed to go. Unfortunately, for some, that is how it goes. While many newlyweds are blissed out, others are hit with the post-wedding blues, and it can be debilitating. “When the wedding was over, I was in a lot of pain,” Anna Shevel-Vreeland said of her 2012 nuptials.
Laura Stafford, professor and director of Bowling Green State University’s School of Media and Communication, and Allison Scott Gordon, associate professor in the University of Kentucky’s Department of Communication, have conducted two studies on depression in newly married women.
In a study of 28 women they conducted in 2016, nearly half of the participants indicated they felt let down or depressed after their wedding, and some participants reported clinical levels of depression. In a 2018 study of 152 women, 12 per cent reported feeling depressed after their wedding.
A wedding can put tremendous pressure on the couple, “and the more pressure and expectations, the harder the letdown can be,” says Jocelyn Charnas, a psychologist in New York. Following are some tips, from newlyweds and psychologists, to help soothe the post-wedding blues.
A POST-WEDDING SLUMP IS UNAVOIDABLE
Charnas stresses that couples should expect a letdown after the planning bonanza is over. When Shira Andres was engaged, “everyone was interested in ... asking me questions about my upcoming nuptials. Once I was married, people weren’t as interested in my life,” she says.
She also pined for the planning. “Having something so huge to look forward to is a real motivator,” Andres says.
PRE-WEDDING STRESS DOESN’T HELP
“Oftentimes we use wedding planning as an excuse to put off other things that might be anxiety-provoking,” Charnas says. One of the stressors could be the financial responsibility. “For brides and grooms who pay for the wedding themselves, now the fun is over, and they just have the bill.”
While planning their wedding, couples should pick one night a week to not discuss it. That way, Charnas says, they can remember what it feels like to be a couple without a big event on the horizon.
NEWLYWED NOSEDIVE ISN’T JUST FOR BRIDES
Of the people I spoke to, the worst off was a groom.
“I was so depressed, I honestly didn’t know what to do,” Brian Lambert recalls.
Even the honeymoon, which he and his wife, Nicole, took a few days after the wedding, couldn’t lift his spirits.
“We had no appointments with vendors, no centrepieces to put together, nothing to try and design. I found myself going to the office on the weekends more to try and keep myself busy.” They got married in September 2017, and he’s “still not over it,” he says.
PLAN YOUR HONEYMOON STRATEGICALLY
Charnas suggests waiting to take the trip, as it gives newlyweds something else to look forward to and plan.
This was a lifesaver for Andres. However, marriage and sex therapist Jane Greer says an immediate honeymoon can “insulate couples from crashing into the new/real world quickly.” This is what worked for Nicole Lambert. “Post-wedding depression is typically situational — something happens that results in the depression, like a death or divorce,” said Greer, who also wrote the book What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. “But within six months, the expectation is that you’re now coping with your depression and getting on with your life.” After six months, she says, people who are still feeling depressed should seek help and address what they feel they lost after the wedding, as opposed to what they gained.
This is when the issue goes beyond the wedding. “When it manifests itself in a severe way, it’s more about some underlying and possibly pre-existing issue, like a clinical mental-health issue or a serious underlying problem in the relationship that has to be looked at,” Charnas says.
FIND A NEW GOAL
Beyond the big day, Greer suggests that couples can set new goals or things to plan for, such as moving or decorating a room in their home.